Rakasha posted on Jokes Alright folks, if you leave this place sit quiet for too long you force me to take action.
A new mummy has been discovered in Egypt. It is covered in chocolate and nuts.
Archaeologists believe......
it may be the Pharaoh Roche.
March 26 at 19:00 EST .
1 person like this.
Balogreene Rakasha, keep posting. Your jokes get the best reaction on my facebook site, and I usually LOL, like at this one.
March 26 at 20:42 EST .
1 person like this.
Ynaught Call me a hazelnut. I had to read it out loud before I got it.
March 27 at 22:10 EST .
1 person like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes After I retired, I went down to the Social Security office. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home to get it and come back later. The woman looked at my head but on noting that I was bald she said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife and I went to the restaurant. My wife ordered first but left off one of the sides. "And the vegetable madam?" The waiter prompted. "Oh, he'll have the same."
And that's how the fight started...
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About a week after our lawn mower broke down, my wife started hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But after several weeks I still hadn't managed to get around to it and the grass was getting pretty high. One day, on waking up from my nap, I found her seated in the yard, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors as she looked at me, pointedly. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "Here, when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
March 19 at 14:26 EST .
3 people like this.
Hagar you owe me a new keyboard!!!!Spit coffee all over mine.
March 20 at 02:42 EST .
2 people like this.
Prudente I've laughed at all of these "spouse" jokes -this one made me LOL. Thanks.
March 20 at 13:46 EST .
2 people like this.
Balogreene I keep posting these on FB, and people tell me how much they love them. Thanks Rakasha.
March 20 at 19:43 EST .
2 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter asked for my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." Then he asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, and slipped into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was standing there, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's pretty near perfect."
And that's how the fight started........
March 18 at 13:57 EST .
3 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "Wow!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...
March 17 at 17:55 EST .
4 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with the coffin of a famous author. Three hours later I saw them again, still walking about with it and I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $120!!! No way, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Rakasha posted on Jokes A young stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It was two years old and besides that, every other girl in the office had a BMW. She decided to go shopping for something a little different, perhaps a convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Mazda convertible. It was brand new and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint and lovely tan interior. An empty check stub later and she was off, tearing down the leafy country lanes, enjoying her beautiful new car.
Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, ans she was wondering, what could possibly be better than this, when there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood but quickly realized that she wouldn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a shiny, yellow, repair van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"It just suddenly quit running."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"
February 14 at 11:39 EST .
12 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes An EPA official pulls up at a local ranch. He finds the old rancher and tells him, "I need to inspect your ranch for obstructed waterways and to determine if you are harming endangered or threatened species."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The EPA official is furious. He declares angrily, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket he takes out his badge and brandishes it in front the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land... No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the official running for his life across the aforementioned field, being chased by the rancher's cantankerous Aubrac bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the man and it seems likely that he'll be over run before he reaches safety. The official is panting and starting to stumble, allowing the bull to close the distance even faster. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,
"Your badge, man! You forgot to show him your BADGE!"
February 12 at 05:57 EST .
10 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I didn't want to be rude so I answer, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At this point I'm wishing I had not responded the first time but I say: 'Uhhh, I'm just traveling!'
Now I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is far too weird for me but I figure I can still be polite and just get out of there so I say 'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some nut in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
Cell phones..... don't you just love 'em!
February 7 at 16:55 EST .
10 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Jokes Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped, lying in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to get the box and bring it into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
February 4 at 08:45 EST .
11 people like this.
Olhokie64 Ed will never be found. She will leaves no remains.
February 5 at 03:15 EST .
9 people like this.
Rakasha posted on Suggested Viewing/Listening This is just flat out cool. There's another video that has music to it but I don't think it needs it. I would love to have this as a screen saver.
1 person like this.
1 person like this.
