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Sternben



   Sternben posted on Jokes  A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a sternvoice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”
September 22 at 14:15 EST .

   11 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
June 17 at 16:02 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Crafts  I made a rocking chair for each of my grandchildren(7 ). This is the latest project.
   May 23 at 15:26 EST .

   12 people like this.



   Epirb  How wonderful! I can only imagine how each of your grandchildren will treasure these all their lives and pass them on from generation to generation. Are they all stained the same color and did you use the same pattern for all 7 ?
May 23 at 16:05 EST .

  13 people like this.



   Sternben  Five are the same pattern and the finishes are close to the same. The pattern came from "Projects for Woodworkers" which may be out of print.
May 23 at 17:16 EST .

  11 people like this.



   Gram77  This is just beautiful and made with much love, you can tell.
May 23 at 20:08 EST .

  14 people like this.



   BirdsNest  Very nice work. Family treasures to hold dear.
May 24 at 00:03 EST .

  11 people like this.



   NotaBene  Sternbern this rocking chair is beautiful. So nice you made one for each of the seven grandchildren. Ldotters are very talented and it is wonderful we have a wall to share all these crafts.
May 24 at 01:36 EST .

  11 people like this.



   Gerty  My woodworking (hobby ) husband tells me chairs are difficult to make--especially rocking chairs. Yours looks great! Your grandchildren are lucky to have you.
May 24 at 15:57 EST .

  13 people like this.



   Thewarden  So sweet!
May 28 at 21:48 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Sternben posted on Jokes  Pet Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
April 26 at 21:36 EST .

   22 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Longevity
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
April 17 at 14:36 EST .

   19 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  The parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
April 17 at 14:33 EST .

   20 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Labor pains:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
March 20 at 17:18 EST .

   18 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Sports team names

I agree with our Native American population---I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay, We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men's lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals---gone!

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children---and it is all about the children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children. The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity--a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well, that goes without saying.... Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves...

And ohhhh...With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".
February 24 at 13:25 EST .

   23 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Dad's Will

A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
February 2 at 15:28 EST .

   23 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Elegant puns:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?(It's a dead give away. )
February 1 at 15:53 EST .

   20 people like this.


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