Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!! )
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
EMERGENCY CONTACT: Hospital
EMERGENCY CONTACT PHONE: 911 of course
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
August 25 at 10:40 EST .
3 people like this.
Gram77 This is priceless. Obviously the higher-ups recognized a clever person who could wind up i management.
August 25 at 13:24 EST .
1 person like this.
MeiDei Can you imagine his version of any new items added to the menu.
Ynaught Poo on you, Safetydude! I know for a fact that most of your "a guy walks into a bar" stories never really happened either!
August 26 at 10:42 EST .
4 people like this.
Safetydude Jaha! did so happen. Every one of those events has been documented somewhere. I just don't remember where. Maybe in the bar?
August 26 at 16:38 EST .
5 people like this.
Ynaught Just because you say it, doesn't make it so! And I was in that bar with the penguin and he was asking about his sister, not his brother!
August 26 at 20:07 EST .
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Ynaught posted on Jokes A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table..whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Gerty Subsequently posted on the Main Page--so I first saw it there. It hasn't lost any of it's 'charm'.
Nancy Pelosi is still the WWW! Nasty woman who gives the rest of us (Italian decent ) women a bad name!!
August 20 at 19:37 EST .
5 people like this.
Gerty Oh, dear. That would be 'Italian descent'--although I'm good with 'decent' too!
August 20 at 19:40 EST .
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Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch I had a nice time at your house yesterday. Your hospitality made my visit wonderful. But I noticed a few areas where I think I might be able to offer you some tips. Let's start with your refrigerator:
FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE:
THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night ).
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway ) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully!
CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
WINE It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not fart when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
Gerty I like this. I like it better that the cute chip monk knew when to back off!
August 16 at 14:10 EST .
7 people like this.
Ole buzzard He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day!
August 16 at 19:59 EST .
10 people like this.
Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch The following stories have wonderful shades of emotions. These are based on true incidences both wonderful and inspirational. 1. Today, when I slipped on the wet tile floor a boy in a wheelchair caught me before I slammed my head on the ground. He said,“Believe it or not, that's almost exactly how I injured my back 3 years ago.” 2. Today, my father told me, “Just go for it and give it a try! You don't have to be a professional to build a successful product. Amateurs started Google and Apple. Professionals built the Titanic.” 3. Today, I asked my mentor – a very successful business man in his 70's– what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, “Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing.” 4. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.” 5. I am blind by birth. When I was 8 years old, I wanted to play baseball. I asked my father- "Dad, can I play baseball?" He said "You'll never know until you try." When I was a teenager, I asked him, - "Dad can I become a surgeon?". He replied "Son, you'll never know until you try." Today after my own successful sight restoration surgery, I am a surgeon, just because I tried! 6. Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, “On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.” 7. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face. 8. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow. 9. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.” 10. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was
August 15 at 13:26 EST .
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Ynaught I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy. 11. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?” “Because that's where I keep all my stuff,” she said. 12. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again. 13. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, “I hope you feel better soon.” 14. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.” Best sermons are lived, not preached.
August 15 at 13:27 EST .
3 people like this.
MeiDei I'm speechless, wonderful post - thank you Today and Tomorrow.
August 15 at 14:30 EST .
4 people like this.
Gram77 didn't expect to cry today, but I did. Thanks for a lot of things to think about, Ynaught.....things we never do until it is too late.
Ynaught posted on Jokes This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear ) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 27 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other junk too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &% #(#& barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magnacumlaude from ).
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my wife (the devil ) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.