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Calvinesq



   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  The Incident

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, then graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted stentoriously. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
September 27 at 15:05 EST .

   10 people like this.



   Ynaught  Good one!
September 28 at 10:14 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Calvinesq posted on Main Page The Lobby  Carbonite

My two-year Carbonite subscription runs out soon. In the intervening time, Carbonite committed stupidity regarding Rush Limbaugh and the whole fake Fluke stuff. It tried to apologize, but even that was awkward. Here's by question: Can anyone suggest a good alternative to Carbonite, or should I just renew my subscription?
August 19 at 09:50 EST .

   9 people like this.



   StormCnter  I've used Mozy for several years and I love it. It works smoothly each night, backing up 80 GB of data in just minutes. Their customer support is fantastic.
August 19 at 15:29 EST .

  9 people like this.



   StormCnter  Like Carbonite, the initial loading up and indexing or whatever it is they do takes a while, but after it's done, the backups are speedy.
August 19 at 15:30 EST .

  9 people like this.



   Hammock  Yeah, Mozy's good - I like it.
August 21 at 04:00 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  How to Get a Raise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
July 12 at 16:34 EST .

   7 people like this.



   Eagles Dominion  :- ) LOL
July 13 at 13:22 EST .

  8 people like this.





   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
June 27 at 09:54 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ..
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
February 19 at 12:09 EST .

   16 people like this.




   Calvinesq posted on Main Page The Lobby  Can't believe that a month has passed since the U.S. voted for statism over freedom.
December 6 at 14:34 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  Golf Etiquette

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
March 29 at 11:22 EST .

   9 people like this.



   Ole buzzard  And who is the cheat?????
March 29 at 16:58 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Gerty  Birds of a feather...
March 29 at 19:43 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Sternben  Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls.
March 30 at 09:31 EST .

  8 people like this.





   Calvinesq posted on Jokes  B of A

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers plus the requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look Mr. President, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet
and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank ~~~ there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
November 2 at 15:02 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Calvinesq posted on Main Page The Lobby  Regarding the picture on the main L.Com page of the young lady holding the cardboard sign: Check out the guy in the green shirt with the shades on top of the head. What do you think he's looking at? Just like the demonstrations of the 60s and early 70s -- guys joined the protests just to get laid. Heh.
October 13 at 15:04 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Yottyhere  Went back and looked at the picture. Yup, you're right.

If that young lady feels so strongly why doesn't she convert all her assets into dollars and write a big honking check to IRS? Bless her heart.......*cough*
October 13 at 15:19 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Shooter1002  He's checking 'er bum.
Nice bum, she's got a few bucks, she must got weed too. Hey save the whales man!
October 13 at 16:17 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Burger  and when you are done, simply mention you voted for Bush. Poof Gone.
October 13 at 19:41 EST .

  8 people like this.





   Calvinesq posted on Main Page The Lobby  Message to Congressman Weiner:

We always thought you were crazy, but now we can see your nuts!
June 7 at 14:28 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Ynaught  Oh geez! The very thought of seeing his nuts makes me want to hurl!
June 7 at 14:37 EST .

  8 people like this.



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