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Sternben



   Sternben posted on Jokes  Longevity
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
April 17 at 14:36 EST .

   1 person like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  The parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
April 17 at 14:33 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Labor pains:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
March 20 at 17:18 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Sports team names

I agree with our Native American population---I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay, We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men's lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals---gone!

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children---and it is all about the children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children. The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity--a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well, that goes without saying.... Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves...

And ohhhh...With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".
February 24 at 13:25 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Dad's Will

A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
February 2 at 15:28 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Elegant puns:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?(It's a dead give away. )
February 1 at 15:53 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary ! )
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
January 22 at 13:22 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  >
> A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber
> pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "Who in here has been fooling around with my
> wife?"
>
>
>
>
> A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."
January 16 at 11:42 EST .

   7 people like this.



   Safetydude  Now that's funny, I don't care who you are !
January 16 at 16:38 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Eagles Dominion  Unfortunately for him the Colt magazine only holds seven(7 ) rounds.
January 17 at 10:08 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Safetydude  He had one round in the pipe.
January 17 at 16:23 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Balogreene  LOL, no matter what y'all say.
January 17 at 20:52 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Guard SGT (ret)  She ain't worth it! Time to trade the 45 for a good divorce lawyer!
January 17 at 23:15 EST .

  7 people like this.





   Sternben posted on Jokes  Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Janice.

2nd woman: Hi! Kim. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
December 9 at 13:22 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman .
December 2 at 11:44 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Ole buzzard  Stolen!!!
December 2 at 14:19 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Olhokie64  Heard it a while back but still great. There are really no new jokes.
December 2 at 23:23 EST .

  5 people like this.



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