Sternben

Sternben posted on Jokes  Wise guys should never be paramedics Skinny Ralph and Joey Blue Eyes are out in the woods hunting, when suddenly Ralph grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Joey whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He excitedly gasps to the operator, “We’re out here in the woods, and my friend had a heart attack. He’s layin there and I think he’s dead! What should I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's really dead.” There is silence, followed by the sound of a gunshot. A few seconds later, Joey comes back on the line, “Okay...Now what?” April 10 at 12:12 EST .    2 people like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  When Bob and Sally first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Sally never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Sally could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bob. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Sally was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bob thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Sally asked Bob, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." March 21 at 09:43 EST .    4 people like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol. This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire: While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took……. the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection……... March 8 at 10:03 EST .    2 people like this.

Sternben posted on Main Page The Lobby  Budget Sacrifice I'm going to bite the bullet, too!!!! Will you join me? President Obama ordered the cabinet to cut $100,000,000.00 ($100 million ) from the $3,500,000,000,000.00 ($3.5 trillion ) federal budget. I'm so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget. I spend about $2,000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc., but it's time to get out the budget cutting axe, go through my expenses, and cut back. I'm going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio (1/35,000 ) of my total budget. After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2,000 a month, I'm going to have to cut that number by six cents. Yes, I'm going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that's what sacrifice is all about. I'll just have to do without some things, that are, frankly, luxuries – six cents worth. Did this President actually think no one would do the math? Please send this to everyone on your list so people understand how idiotic a $100 million cut is in a $3.5 trillion budget – ludicrous. "There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation... "One is by sword...The other is by debt." John Adams 1826 February 21 at 11:10 EST .    9 people like this.    Ole buzzard  Incredible, isn't it? February 21 at 15:46 EST .   10 people like this.    Montanabound  Why can't the hapless Republicans explain this? February 22 at 00:47 EST .   9 people like this.    Bettijo  I am asking all of my friends to make this great sacrifice. If we each cut our spending back by 1/35,000, do you think it might hurt the economy or even put people out of work. I would't want to do that. February 22 at 17:32 EST .   9 people like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.""What's the bad news?", asks Ole "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pe***r. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't urn8 in your eye." February 18 at 12:22 EST .    9 people like this.    Ole buzzard  Why does poor Ole always get the bad end of it? February 18 at 17:58 EST .   10 people like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  Raisin Bread A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says. The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like twoloaves. After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little." February 5 at 18:54 EST .    11 people like this.    Eagles Dominion  I know..I shouldn't like this one, But I Do! LOL February 6 at 15:17 EST .   9 people like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  Mohammed B’n Ibn walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy seated at one of the tables wearing a Yarmulke (skullcap ), sporting Payas (sidelocks of hair ), with the fringes of his Tzitsis ( religious undergarment ) hanging down. He doesn't have to be a genius to figure out that this guy is Jewish, and since Arabs have been taught to hate Jews, he decides to humiliate this one. He shouts over to the bartender loudly enough for the whole bar to hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". The drinks are handed out, the Arab pays, and the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. The Jewish guy continues to smile, and again loudly yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the son-of-a-gun does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." January 27 at 14:44 EST .    10 people like this.

Sternben posted on Main Page The Lobby  PRESIDENT'S DAY I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull S**t." You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose! January 22 at 15:33 EST .    2 people like this.    Ole buzzard  Thanks for the pick-me-up! January 22 at 16:13 EST .  1 person like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE A Blonde gal walks into a shoe store. She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ...... Son-of-a-gun!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO ! Didn’t see that coming did you ? December 17 at 12:57 EST .    1 person like this.    Ynaught  That's a good one! December 17 at 23:35 EST .  1 person like this.    Ole buzzard  Shared on FB. December 19 at 19:25 EST .  1 person like this.

Sternben posted on Jokes  DID YOU KNOW THAT: A cartoonist was found dead in his home . . . details are sketchy. Sol used to be a banker . . . but then he lost interest. England has no kidney bank . . . but it does have a Liverpool. The report said he had type-A blood . . . but it was a typO. The guy named his iPod “Titanic” . . . It's syncing now. My neighbor is addicted to drinking brake fluid . . . but, he says he can stop any time. He stayed up all night to see where the sun went . . . then it dawned on him. She said she recognized me from the vegetarian club . . . but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die . . . they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . . . I just can't put it down. There was a theatrical performance about puns . . . it was a play on words. The Indians got here first . . . they had reservations. I didn't like my beard at first . . . then it grew on me. The school fired a cross-eyed teacher . . . she couldn't control her pupils. A student dropped out of communism class . . . he got lousy Marx. All the toilets in a police station have been stolen . . . he police have nothing to go on. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary is called a thesaurus. PMS jokes aren't funny . . . period. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. Velcro . . . what a rip off! Do you know how Moses make tea? Hebrews it. Haunted French pancakes give you the crêpes. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. December 1 at 17:26 EST .    3 people like this.

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