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Sternben



   Sternben posted on Jokes  While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she
knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole; you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh.”

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
March 11 at 16:03 EST .

   16 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C, an aide to Congresswoman
Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He
told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's
Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to
the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi
a saint.



The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there
are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain Pelosi's
views.



Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a
donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it
and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your
request into tomorrow's sermon."



As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and
seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center
aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed
out that Pelosi was present.



The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While
Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the
woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of
her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to
flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed
hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial
liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst
example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married
for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She
also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both In
Washington and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."



The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama,
Pelosi is a saint.
January 2 at 13:03 EST .

   19 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary ! )

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
October 13 at 11:52 EST .

   16 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a sternvoice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”
September 22 at 14:15 EST .

   24 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
June 17 at 16:02 EST .

   17 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Crafts  I made a rocking chair for each of my grandchildren(7 ). This is the latest project.
   May 23 at 15:26 EST .

   25 people like this.



   Epirb  How wonderful! I can only imagine how each of your grandchildren will treasure these all their lives and pass them on from generation to generation. Are they all stained the same color and did you use the same pattern for all 7 ?
May 23 at 16:05 EST .

  24 people like this.



   Sternben  Five are the same pattern and the finishes are close to the same. The pattern came from "Projects for Woodworkers" which may be out of print.
May 23 at 17:16 EST .

  22 people like this.



   Gram77  This is just beautiful and made with much love, you can tell.
May 23 at 20:08 EST .

  24 people like this.



   BirdsNest  Very nice work. Family treasures to hold dear.
May 24 at 00:03 EST .

  25 people like this.



   NotaBene  Sternbern this rocking chair is beautiful. So nice you made one for each of the seven grandchildren. Ldotters are very talented and it is wonderful we have a wall to share all these crafts.
May 24 at 01:36 EST .

  25 people like this.



   Gerty  My woodworking (hobby ) husband tells me chairs are difficult to make--especially rocking chairs. Yours looks great! Your grandchildren are lucky to have you.
May 24 at 15:57 EST .

  27 people like this.



   Thewarden  So sweet!
May 28 at 21:48 EST .

  21 people like this.





   Sternben posted on Jokes  Pet Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
April 26 at 21:36 EST .

   25 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Longevity
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
April 17 at 14:36 EST .

   22 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  The parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
April 17 at 14:33 EST .

   23 people like this.




   Sternben posted on Jokes  Labor pains:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
March 20 at 17:18 EST .

   21 people like this.


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