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Ynaught



   Ynaught posted on Jokes  There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p155 out of it," the man replied.
Yesterday at 11:08 EST .

   12 people like this.



   Phooey  As one that has a 'shot' bladder (and must cath multiple times a day )....Ynaught, you get a smiley face ! :- ) !!!
Yesterday at 18:18 EST .

  11 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Jokes  See below
   September 26 at 19:32 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Phooey  Ynaught ! You are a gem ! Still praying for hubs.
September 26 at 20:33 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Ynaught  Back at ya, Phoo! And thanks! Every day he gets a little better!
September 26 at 20:53 EST .

  7 people like this.



   NotaBene  Happy to hear that hobby is doing better.

Loved the joke of the cat.
September 27 at 11:42 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

   September 26 at 19:31 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Jokes  I don't know and don't care if this is real - it is funny and brings back memories!

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the
   September 23 at 11:38 EST .

   12 people like this.



   Ynaught  Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
September 23 at 11:38 EST .

  2 people like this.



   MeiDei  Too funny. It reminds me of a printed sweat shirt I saw a few years ago that was worn by a big momma, it said:
"I'm in menopause and I have a gun"
September 23 at 13:26 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  This is a shameless plea for prayers for my husband and sympathy for me. On Wed. morning the 10th hubby fell at the bowling alley and broke the ball off his humerus and dislocated it while crushing his rotator cuff. We spent the day in the ER and then had to wait until Monday to see a specialist. He was able to get hubby in for surgery on Tues. and we got home last night after hubby got a total shoulder replacement. My honey is in sooo much pain and the pain killers help a little, but not enough. He barely sleeps at all in the bed, so neither do I. We set up a recliner next to his computer and he catches cat naps there, but no real sleep. I wish I could do something to ease the pain, but nothing I do seems to help. He has always been my rock and now he is dependent and doesn't like it one bit. We will survive, but could certainly use some prayers.
September 19 at 10:57 EST .

   5 people like this.

 View all 12 comments.




   Phooey  Ynaught, tore my rotator cuff years ago and the pain was excruciating. Remember pounding on the morphine pump waking after surgery. Then comes therapy ! My heart goes out for your hubby and you. Prayer sent and will continue.
September 19 at 14:20 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Hollyhock  Prayers of course for both of you.
September 19 at 14:26 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Wrightwinger  Will do, and prayer requests should indeed be without shame... May He grant the blessing of rest and easing of pain!
September 19 at 19:28 EST .

  5 people like this.



   MeiDei  Y - I'm so used to enjoying your jokes I thought this one was - wait hear me out, in your distress you left out a comma after "the 10th" so I thought you can't possibly have had 10 husbands - even Liz Taylor couldn't do that! Now, did you smile - you need some humor to get through all this & you have my sympathy and my prayers for a speedy recovery - for you both; caregivers shoulder a lot of the burden. May all the pain & frustrations be replaced with rapid healing & a return to normalcy - you are both safely in His hands.
September 19 at 20:50 EST .

  9 people like this.



   BirdsNest  I'm with you, MeiDei. Once I read it over I realized I had misinterpreted it.

No shame in asking for prayers, they will continue for you and hubby til they are no longer needed. Pain is an awful thing. When Hagar had an eye infection, the medication did not clear it up quickly, I called his eye doctor and told him he needed to prescribe pain meds for either me or Hagar-one of us needed some relief. We are hoping things go back to normal soon and you can enjoy each day as usual.
September 19 at 21:07 EST .

  10 people like this.



   HopeandGlory  Hugs and Prayers for you and Hubby Miss Y . . . God be with you both.
September 19 at 21:40 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Linder  MeiDei is right....you're one of the ones who always brings good cheer and encouragement. Sorry about your husband's awful injury. Wishing better days ahead for you both.
September 19 at 23:20 EST .

  9 people like this.



   Gerty  I am late to get this news but that just means I will pray all the more!
At this very moment, there is a candle burning for your intentions. This is one of the ways I was brought up. We light the candle to add attention to the help we seek--may you and your DH get the courage to bear this painful burden.
September 20 at 06:20 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Surfhut  Prayers for you and hubs, dear Y. May you both walk through this valley until you arrive at the top of the next beautiful hill.
September 20 at 19:12 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Flaming Sword  Y,
The readers here love you, and we pray frequently. Never forget it, and always ask for help. We're here for you.
September 21 at 16:26 EST .

  3 people like this.


 View all 12 comments.





   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  I can't help it. I thought this was funny - sick, but funny!
   September 19 at 10:47 EST .

   7 people like this.



   Gerty  Miss Y! Off to the cloak room for you!! ; )

(For you young 'uns, the place where kids put their 'stuff' while in school was the cloakroom. It was simultaneously used as a 'time-out' place of banishment. )
September 20 at 08:14 EST .

  4 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Jokes  The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could insure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago"
September 13 at 21:21 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Jokes  An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
September 9 at 17:42 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  .
   September 8 at 17:40 EST .

   14 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1 million aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment )

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it.... )

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision
   September 6 at 08:49 EST .

   9 people like this.


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