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   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the heck out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says,

"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
5 hours ago .

   2 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  This is cute:

23 hours ago .

   15 people like this.

   Gram77  Poor doggie, I hope someone gets him SOMETHING to be friends with.
12 hours ago .

  12 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Qualified to Vote?


Looking at a house for sale, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

The realtor asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

Another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time ). The realtor shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day a caller asked what hours the call center was open.

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."

And then he voted.


So my colleague and I are eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overhear one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive along the coast. She said she was driving in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.

And then she voted.


I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldier's chests.

One student in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And then a few years later, she voted.


My sister bought a lifesaving tool for her car. It's a small gadget designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

And then she voted.


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

And then he voted.


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then he voted.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.
Yesterday at 09:25 EST .

   6 people like this.

   MeiDei  Many years ago I heard of a retired couple who were visiting New Mexico where the wife got sick & needed ER services. They filed a claim with their (major ) insurance carrier & it was denied as: "medical care in a foreign country not covered".
The insurance clerk votes in MA.
Yesterday at 15:23 EST .

  2 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

1. I scouted the area all summer.

2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.

3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.

4. I trailed the herd.

5. I picked out a trophy buck.

6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.

7. Everything was in place.

8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.

9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.

10. This was destined to be an epic hunt.

As I approached my deer stand, I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church. The Sunday sermon was entitled "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways".

   Sunday at 20:05 EST .

   6 people like this.

   Gerty  I feel his pain!
Monday at 19:39 EST .

 1 person like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Cute!
   October 18 at 16:31 EST .

   4 people like this.

   Gerty  These are kind of fun in a 'fishy' sort of way, Miss Y.

Got a source for the pattern?
October 19 at 10:52 EST .

 1 person like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
October 17 at 19:00 EST .

   2 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT
As we slowly move through our retirement years, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.

I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

   October 17 at 14:30 EST .

   2 people like this.

   MeiDei  A DIY Vasectomy?
Clearing out the gene pool.
October 17 at 15:12 EST .

 1 person like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Priest and Rabbi:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
October 17 at 09:00 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Joke Contest Winner:
An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks,
he is looking for work."
The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a
brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a
man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in a competition
held in Britain.
October 16 at 14:08 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Preacher and His Lawyer and IRS Agent:

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members ), to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."
October 16 at 07:14 EST .

   1 person like this.

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