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Ynaught



   Ynaught posted on Jokes  The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could insure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago"
Yesterday at 21:21 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Jokes  An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
September 9 at 17:42 EST .

   2 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  .
   September 8 at 17:40 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1 million aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment )

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it.... )

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision
   September 6 at 08:49 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  .
   September 5 at 17:40 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Gerty  Awwww--that's so sad! :- )
September 5 at 18:46 EST .

 1 person like this.



   Surfhut  Dear Gerty, it's not really sad. The process of moving my son away to college was just one more of those milestones of a child's life. Sad to see one pass, thrilled for the new one. It has been a joy, watching him be "on his own" and now REALLY being on his own.
September 6 at 09:12 EST .

  2 people like this.



   Gerty  Thanks, MissSurie! Not having been blessed with children, I did not appreciate this aspect. I guess I have been relating more to the 'empty-nest syndrome' three of my nieces are going through at this time.

A brighter side is better to see.
September 6 at 12:19 EST .

  2 people like this.



   Gerty  Of course, that would be Miss Surfie--apologies galore!
September 6 at 12:21 EST .

 1 person like this.





   Ynaught posted on Main Page The Lobby  Another beheading. How long before 0bama acts? How long before it happens here?
September 2 at 14:27 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Linder  Although at great cost of American life we were actually winning this war....this is unthinkable!
September 3 at 09:46 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the
first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin
she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will
need to intervene in this situation ) "are you never together as a
family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the
outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed
that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and
medical dilemmas?
September 1 at 19:38 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Olhokie64  Way to go Y. Born and raised in West Virginia. But educated in Virginia.
September 1 at 23:01 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  Thufferin' Thuccotash!





September 1 at 10:12 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
(editor's note: I would have hired him too!! )

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

EMERGENCY CONTACT: Hospital

EMERGENCY CONTACT PHONE: 911 of course

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
August 25 at 10:40 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Gram77  This is priceless. Obviously the higher-ups recognized a clever person who could wind up i management.
August 25 at 13:24 EST .

  3 people like this.



   MeiDei  Can you imagine his version of any new items added to the menu.
August 25 at 18:31 EST .

  3 people like this.



   Safetydude  Sorry.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdo
nald.asp
August 25 at 19:10 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Ynaught  Poo on you, Safetydude! I know for a fact that most of your "a guy walks into a bar" stories never really happened either!
August 26 at 10:42 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Safetydude  Jaha! did so happen. Every one of those events has been documented somewhere.
I just don't remember where.
Maybe in the bar?
August 26 at 16:38 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Ynaught  Just because you say it, doesn't make it so! And I was in that bar with the penguin and he was asking about his sister, not his brother!
August 26 at 20:07 EST .

  4 people like this.





   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table..whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
August 21 at 13:57 EST .

   6 people like this.



   Olhokie64  This resembles me.
August 21 at 18:15 EST .

  4 people like this.



   NotaBene  Dear Ynaught, you never fail to make me laugh. We had a long, busy day with computer and other problems. I was exhausted tonight, me and hubby had a good laugh with your joke. Thank you!!
August 23 at 01:05 EST .

  4 people like this.



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