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   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Religious Squirrels

A small town had three churches Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Yesterday at 10:18 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to
keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the
quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other
and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice:
either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live
with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their
companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people,
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others
and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

   Thursday at 13:41 EST .

   4 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the heck out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says,

"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
   October 22 at 15:40 EST .

   8 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  This is cute:

   October 21 at 21:51 EST .

   16 people like this.

   Gram77  Poor doggie, I hope someone gets him SOMETHING to be friends with.
October 22 at 08:54 EST .

  13 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Qualified to Vote?


Looking at a house for sale, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

The realtor asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

Another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time ). The realtor shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day a caller asked what hours the call center was open.

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."

And then he voted.


So my colleague and I are eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overhear one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive along the coast. She said she was driving in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.

And then she voted.


I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldier's chests.

One student in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And then a few years later, she voted.


My sister bought a lifesaving tool for her car. It's a small gadget designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

And then she voted.


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

And then he voted.


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then he voted.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.
October 21 at 09:25 EST .

   7 people like this.

   MeiDei  Many years ago I heard of a retired couple who were visiting New Mexico where the wife got sick & needed ER services. They filed a claim with their (major ) insurance carrier & it was denied as: "medical care in a foreign country not covered".
The insurance clerk votes in MA.
October 21 at 15:23 EST .

  4 people like this.

   Balogreene  Two things, the back page of New Mexico Magazine is devoted to the times NM is mistaken for Mexico. And recently, a resident of Washington District of Columbia was not allowed to fly, because they were not a resident of the US.
Second, the baggage thing actually happened to me. When flying from Jacksonville to DC, the airline switched gates. The LaGuardia flight left out of our gate, we left out of theirs. When we got to Dulles, the whole planeload was standing watching bags labelled LaGuardia go past on the carousel. It was almost time for the luggage reclamation center to close, so we went over, as a planeload, about 30 of us. The first thing the person behind the counter said was "has the plane landed?" One of the guys said, "No, we all beamed down ahead of the plane!".
Yesterday at 16:49 EST .

  2 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

1. I scouted the area all summer.

2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.

3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.

4. I trailed the herd.

5. I picked out a trophy buck.

6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.

7. Everything was in place.

8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.

9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.

10. This was destined to be an epic hunt.

As I approached my deer stand, I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church. The Sunday sermon was entitled "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways".

   October 19 at 20:05 EST .

   8 people like this.

   Gerty  I feel his pain!
October 20 at 19:39 EST .

  3 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Cute!
   October 18 at 16:31 EST .

   6 people like this.

   Gerty  These are kind of fun in a 'fishy' sort of way, Miss Y.

Got a source for the pattern?
October 19 at 10:52 EST .

  3 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
October 17 at 19:00 EST .

   4 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT
As we slowly move through our retirement years, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.

I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

   October 17 at 14:30 EST .

   3 people like this.

   MeiDei  A DIY Vasectomy?
Clearing out the gene pool.
October 17 at 15:12 EST .

  2 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Priest and Rabbi:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
October 17 at 09:00 EST .

   5 people like this.

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