Ynaught posted on Jokes A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish!?!?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Tuesday at 22:16 EST .
Ynaught posted on Jokes Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a-$-holes.' 'What! He had two a-$-holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two a-$-holes.'
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.
May 21 at 09:21 EST .
3 people like this.
Ynaught posted on Jokes Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Ynaught posted on Jokes A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Magdalene Oh Y, these are great! I wish I had videos of our Border Collie mix, Kippy, gone now 12 years. (She was 15. ) She would sit by the dinner table & beg – but her eyes would start to droop, then close, and she'd be sitting there, sound asleep at full attention. What a character. But then, all our 4-footers have been. We've had 8 dogs in our 26 years of marriage, all but one of those who are gone lasted to 15, two of them to 17. Two are still with us, 7 & 8 years old. The other decided she needed to be a single dog, and after leaving us a litter of beautiful pups, one of whom we kept, went on to be a little girl's dog. Wish I could post pics from my iPad...
May 14 at 13:04 EST .
1 person like this.
Ynaught posted on Jokes 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine ..
20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
23. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
May 11 at 10:52 EST .
2 people like this.
Gerty Thanks for the few moments of jollies, Miss Y--I enjoyed it and really needed it!!
May 11 at 20:55 EST .
1 person like this.
Ynaught posted on Jokes Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.
Papasparky Thanks Ynaught, I wasn't aware this letter existed. FDR was the original "Won" to all the lefties. I'm going to send a copy to Rev. Barry Lynn asking for a comment concerning when it was that he parted company with the New Deal and why.
Wednesday at 15:12 EST .
3 people like this.
1 person like this.
