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Jokes



   Calvinesq  Golf and Romance

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home and within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant and while having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you and I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.

If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
April 27 at 12:55 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Mike PHX  Wow. That is the most unfunny, unwitty, unworthy of repeating, "joke" I've ever heard.
Was that the joke?
Thursday at 00:06 EST .


   Calvinesq  Thanks, Mike. I'm here all week. :- )
Yesterday at 15:11 EST .




   WAN2  A Baptist minister and a Unitarian minister were flying to a multifaith convention together. The Unitarian was very nervous and confided to the Baptist that this was the first time he had ever flown and was very scared. The Baptist said that there was nothing to it — "Just sit next to me and I will help you." The Baptist showed him how to put on his seat belt and adjust the air vents. Once in the air, a very pretty flight attendant came by with a tray of drinks. "Cocktails?" she asked. The Unitarian lifted one off the tray and said, "Thank you." The Baptist had just delivered a fiery sermon on the evils of alcohol that morning. He looked at the flight attendant and said, "Young lady, I would rather commit fornication than touch alcohol to my lips." Shocked, the Unitarian placed his drink back on the tray and said, "I believe I would too, I didn't know we had that choice."
April 22 at 09:12 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...

Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza …

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...

Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...

Senility has been a smooth transition for me ...

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...

I love being over 50 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others ...

A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him ...

My dentist told me I need a crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks” …

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...


"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
April 18 at 20:01 EST .

   4 people like this.



   NotaBene  Thank you for these jokes. I had a big laugh.
April 19 at 18:59 EST .

  4 people like this.





   MeiDei  A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get
him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes"
Gotta love the Irish................
HAPPY ST. PADDY DAY!
March 17 at 14:35 EST .

   4 people like this.




   StormCnter  From Bill Abbott Cartoons:
   February 26 at 06:07 EST .

   4 people like this.



   MeiDei  Anyone want to ride shotgun?
; )
February 26 at 17:45 EST .

  3 people like this.





   MeiDei  BUYING A MERCEDES

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...
See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day."

OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROWBOAT AND TAKING TARTAR SAUCE WITH YOU!
February 15 at 13:31 EST .

   3 people like this.




   MeiDei  Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There! That should upset just about everybody!!....
January 28 at 00:28 EST .

   4 people like this.




   MeiDei  At Friday evening services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I am sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you please hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving was not fond of Morris’ idea; however, as they were lifelong friends, he reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi, asking him many stupid questions to keep him occupied. After some time the wise rabbi becomes suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"

Irving, consumed with guilt and remorse confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"
January 28 at 00:21 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this old dude gets a job as a greeter at Walmart. He does a terrific job for a couple of months and then one day he comes in late.
The floor Manager councils him and tells him to 'shape up'. The guys says he'll do his best.
Another couple months go by and he's late again.
This time the General manager takes him into his office and really reads the guy the riot act; "if you can't do your job maybe you should quit before you get fired" yells the Manager.
"By the way", he continues, "since you're retired you must have been able to keep your last job for a long time".
"What did they say to you there if you came in late"?
"Good Morning, General. Here's your coffee".
January 19 at 19:23 EST .

   5 people like this.




   MeiDei  Snow Plow Days

The radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says..."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
January 16 at 18:27 EST .

   5 people like this.


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