So this elderly couple are on a world tour and are in St.Petersburg, Russia. Their assigned 'Inturist' guide is driving them around the city when it starts to sleet. “Oh look” cries the lady, “it's snowing”. “Nyet” answers the guide, “tat be rain”. “No” she responds, “in Iowa, where we're from, that's called snow". This time the guide is very emphatic “tat is RAIN !” The husband gets a little nervous and tells his wife to cool it; they're in Russia, after all, and (drum roll )
Safetydude Ok, So this AF pilot had a serious in-flight mishap and had to bail out of his jet. He hit the ground badly and much later woke up in a hospital bed. As he was coming around a pretty, young nurse came to his bedside and, in a soft voice, said "you may not feel anything below the waist". After a while, in hoarse voice, he whispered back, "can I just feel your ti*s"?
Go Air Force!
November 18 at 21:01 EST .
13 people like this.
MeiDei A founding father vindicates GHWB ... or so he wishes.
November 5 at 20:59 EST .
12 people like this.
Safetydude Ok, so these three women walk into a bar and sit down. "What will it be, ladies"? The first one, a red-head, says "I'll have a CB", "Ok", says the bartender, "one cold beer coming up". "And you"? he asks the second lady, a brunette. "An RW". "Ok, a glass of red wine, for you". Then he turns to the third woman, a blonde, "And for you"? She thinks for a moment and answers "I'll have a fifteen". The bartender shakes his head, "a fifteen, what is that"? "Seven and Seven".
A proctologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance, Obamacare and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the proctologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Mike PHX Two pieces of string are walking down the street and come across a bar: "No Strings Allowed!" Of course the strings are offended, but they go in anyway. The bartender says, "Hey! No strings! Get outta here!" Outside, the strings are dejected, but one says, "Hold on" He ties a big knot out of his top, then starts fraying the loose ends. When he's done he walks back in the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! No string allowed! Youre string, aren't you?" The string replies, "I'm afraid not."
June 23 at 00:29 EST .
15 people like this.
Safetydude Ok, So this guy walks out of a bar and as he's heading down the sidewalk he sees a guy on his hands an knees, like he's looking for something. He see's it's one of the guys he's been drinking with, so he stops to see if he can help. "What are you looking for"? he asks. "My car keys" answers the guy on the ground. "Where about's do you think you dropped them?" "Somewhere over there" the other guy answers. "Then why the heck are you looking here for them here?" "The light's better".
September 28 at 22:41 EST .
19 people like this.
GO3 A duck walks into Walgreen's and waddles all the way back to the pharmacist. The druggist looks down at him and says, "May I help you?" "I'd like some chap stick, please." The druggist puts the chap stick on the counter and asks, "Will that be cash?" "No, just put it on my bill."
June 21 at 00:47 EST .
7 people like this.
Mike PHX Hey everyone, don't worry! I'm scouring my old "Highlights" magazines to top these "whizzers!"
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home and within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant and while having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you and I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
April 27 at 12:55 EST .
16 people like this.
Mike PHX Wow. That is the most unfunny, unwitty, unworthy of repeating, "joke" I've ever heard. Was that the joke?