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   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Remember Phyllis Diller? She was one of the best!

1 ) Ladies: Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
2 ) Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
3 ) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
4 ) The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
5 ) Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
6 ) A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
7 ) I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
8 ) Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
9 ) Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
10 ) We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
11 ) Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
12 ) What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
13 ) The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. (Why didn't I think of this yesterday! )
14 ) His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
15 ) Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
16 ) My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
17 ) I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
18 ) Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
19 ) I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
20 ) The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
21 ) You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
June 5 at 11:33 EST .

   16 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Gail and Bonnie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Gail pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Bonnie: What in the hell is that?
Gail: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Bonnie: Where did you get it?
Gail: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Bonnie hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age ), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
May 11 at 22:48 EST .

   19 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking:

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the s++t out of them first!"
May 5 at 12:53 EST .

   17 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Dogs, Cats & Critters  Gram, you need to check out the Diary of a Sad Cat!
May 5 at 12:41 EST .

   29 people like this.

   Gram77  My sound is messed up so I couldn't hear the speaker but those kitties looked like they were all lonesome. Such sweet little faces.
May 7 at 09:30 EST .

  10 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Farmer Math

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.

When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half ) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third ) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth ) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently. After giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their fathers Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.

Problem Solved!

The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th horse (i.e. the common ground ). Once a person is able to find the 18th horse, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution.

If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!

That's what I call clever Mathematics.
May 5 at 12:00 EST .

   28 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  Has the log in procedure changed here? I used to be able to remain logged in for months on end. Now while it looks like I am logged in, if I try to post I get a message about an invalid session and have to log out and log in again.
April 27 at 17:17 EST .

   16 people like this.

   MeiDei  It's happened to me a few times, not lately but a few months ago.
April 28 at 16:16 EST .

  9 people like this.

   Ole buzzard  I've always had to log in here every time I come in. However, I do remain logged in on the mother site.
April 28 at 17:04 EST .

  13 people like this.

   Gram77  A long time ago, I could come to this site and it promptly recognized me and I was in and ready to post. This happens at Lucianne but not here any more. I see this questions often but never see an explanation.
April 29 at 06:46 EST .

  12 people like this.

   Gerty  My situation is the same as Mr.Buzz's.
April 29 at 11:06 EST .

  15 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  4 ladies meet 30 years after school at reunion.....One goes to get the food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons have become.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh noooo!!" said the lady, “He is doing good. Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends...". All the 3 ladies fainted....

(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain. )
April 27 at 17:13 EST .

   28 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge, because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

April 20 at 22:30 EST .

   18 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Jokes  This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's new autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail'. To be released soon…
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.
"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice, 'Sack my cook.'
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
April 19 at 12:40 EST .

   15 people like this.

   MeiDei  Welcome back Ynaught! Good one.
April 19 at 16:08 EST .

  11 people like this.

   Ynaught posted on Coffee Klatch  I just stopped by and wanted to fill you all in on what's been going on here. My oldest stepson, age 50, has Down Syndrome. In Jan. he broke his hip and was admitted to the hospital for surgery. While under it was discovered he had pneumonia. Later they realized he was aspirating every time he ate or drank anything and so his lungs were constantly full of crud. So he wasn't allowed to eat for about 3 weeks while his throat healed (he had been intubated during the surgery and there was a bit of damage to the esophagus ). He was having barium swallows every couple days and finally was able to eat and drink thickened liquids. So then he was allowed to go home but after three days was admitted to a larger hospital as his hip was not healing properly and he needed a total replacement. While there blood work showed some anomalies and he had to have a bone marrow test which revealed a pre-leukemia condition. That is stable for the time being. Finally he was discharged to a rehab facility where he is supposed to learn to walk again. He fights this as he prefers a wheelchair. He will be discharged from this facility at the end of the month and will move into a group home with 24 nursing care close to us. Anyway, he has been taking up a lot of our time for the past couple of months. I hope now that things are settling down I will be able to catch up on what's going on with y'all.
April 18 at 21:41 EST .

   20 people like this.

   MeiDei  So much to deal with, God bless you and prayers for your stepson. Thank you for the update, you've been missed.
April 19 at 07:28 EST .

  87 people like this.

   Gram77  There sure is a lot on your plate. Blessings and prayers for your stepson and you too.
April 19 at 08:52 EST .

  20 people like this.

   Gerty  Prayers coming from me to you, Miss Y!
April 19 at 18:48 EST .

  17 people like this.

   HopeandGlory  It's so good to hear from you Miss Y . . . Gods Blessings on you and yours.
April 19 at 22:42 EST .

  17 people like this.

   Balogreene  God bless Miss Y. Downs and Autism are so hard to deal with. The sufferer's seem to be able to make their own choices. But, they often are not.
April 20 at 19:12 EST .

  22 people like this.

   BirdsNest  May you be able to keep up with everything that is before you. Take a little time to just sit and rest. We sure have missed you, but you have been needed elsewhere. Bless you and your family.
April 20 at 20:02 EST .

  18 people like this.

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