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Jokes



   Alice  I wish this had shown up on Facebook before the big blizzard :- )
   February 1 at 12:52 EST .

   1 person like this.



   MeiDei  Many years ago, in San Diego, while driving on a then deserted road to Miramar AFB - a huge puma ran beside me for quite a while. We came to a bridge that crossed a canyon and it took off down the cliff. While relieved that it wasn't going to follow along, I was happy for the experience - beautiful animal.
Saturday at 11:59 EST .




   Allsogreat  Just had to do it???/
   January 16 at 17:20 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Fireball27  Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.’' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.’' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school…'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
   December 29 at 23:15 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Namma  According to the Alaska Department o Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore...according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known...ONLY women would be able to drag a fat=azz man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
   December 3 at 18:43 EST .

   12 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  GOLDEN OLDIES FROM JAY:
"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."
On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."
On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."
On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."
Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"
On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."
"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."
"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."
"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his TelePrompTer took the fifth."
"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"
On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."
On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi."
On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."
Now the last and I think best.....
"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. It's gotten so bad that people in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American."
   November 6 at 00:07 EST .

   15 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,
because your character is what you really are,
while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
--- John Wooden

Today's preparation is tomorrow's performance -- Bobby Clampett

I agree with the late Adrian Rogers who said,
"It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error.
It is better to stand alone with the truth, than to be wrong with a multitude."

"There can be no divided allegiance here.
Any man who says that he is an American, but something else also, is not an American at all."
---Theodore Roosevelt

Life is Short . . . Pray Hard.
   November 5 at 23:55 EST .

   14 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  Conundrum Worth Repeating

Conundrum

Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free. (Think this one over and over…makes sense! )

"A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering…

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money! What's interesting is the first group "worked for"their money, but the second didn't.

Think about it.....and Last but not least :

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

Am I the only one missing something?

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools." – Plato
   November 5 at 23:54 EST .

   14 people like this.



   MeiDei  All excellent posts RW&B!
November 6 at 10:20 EST .

  4 people like this.





   RedWhiteBlue  When told the reason for daylight savings time the old Indian said, “Only the government would believe that you could cut one foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the same blanket and you would have a longer blanket.”
--unknown old Indian-- J
November 5 at 23:52 EST .

   15 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  Canadian Healthcare ....


Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par?

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and
some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me ?"

The doctor replied ......................

"You were Homesick.
October 30 at 13:06 EST .

   18 people like this.




   MeiDei  I don't know if this has been posted before ---

RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO PUBLIX
Yesterday I was in The Villages (an area north of Orlando, full of retirees ), at Publix (a large food chain in Florida ) buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant?
So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the ‘Purina Diet’ again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a “perfect diet” and that the way that it works is, to load pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, (FDA certified ), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story. )
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Publix won't let me shop there anymore!
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
October 12 at 18:46 EST .

   17 people like this.



   FlatCityGirl  I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe!
October 14 at 12:29 EST .

  7 people like this.



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