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Jokes



   Balogreene  My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy,
and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself,
how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and,
with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out
from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks
and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack
in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
May 16 at 19:57 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Balogreene  Going to Grandma's
My 3-year-old son was as excited as he could be to visit his grandma in Florida,
especially since it meant taking his first trip on an airplane.
We'd just boarded and got buckled in when he looked around the plane and cried.
"What is it?" I asked, wondering if he was nervous.
More like confused, I realized -- when he asked with surprise,
"If ALL these people are going to Grandma's house, will there be any cookies left for me?"
May 16 at 19:56 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Balogreene  CONFLICTING PROVERBS
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd

It's no wonder we're all confused.
May 16 at 19:39 EST .

   10 people like this.



   Safetydude  One man's trash is another man's treasure.
May 16 at 22:40 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Bettijo  One Little Dot...

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard
and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy,

"but yesterday my sister was missing one,

Mom fainted,

Dad had a heart attack

and the boy next door joined the Navy."
May 13 at 15:32 EST .

   12 people like this.



   Ole buzzard  An oldie, but a goodie.
May 15 at 13:07 EST .

 1 person like this.





   StormCnter  Stolen from Facebook:
   May 13 at 08:04 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Ynaught  Gail and Bonnie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Gail pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Bonnie: What in the hell is that?
Gail: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Bonnie: Where did you get it?
Gail: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Bonnie hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age ), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
   May 11 at 22:48 EST .

   15 people like this.




   Bettijo  Confidence!

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
'No,' he replies, 'I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The pilot says, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Darn thing's' an hour fast.'
And that, my friends,......is Confidence
   May 8 at 08:28 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Bettijo  Most seniors never get enough exercise. So in his wisdom God decreed that seniors would become forgetful that they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things misplaced and so do some walking.
And God Looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was yet a need. So God in his wisdom made seniors loose coordination that they would drop things which would require them to bend and reach and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently requiring more trips to the relief station that would burn calories.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and did become more active as a result.

So if you find you are required to get up and down more as you age, remember it's God's will and in your best interests even though you mutter under your breath.

Amen!
Let it be! And it is good.
   May 8 at 05:39 EST .

   11 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  A woman recently walked into Harrods, which is often described as the fanciest store in Britain. She immediately spotted a beautiful diamond necklace, and quickly approached it.

While bending over to take a closer look at the jewelry, she unexpectedly farted. Humiliated, she looked around to see if anyone noticed, even saying a little prayer that no sales clerks were near her.

Unfortunately for her, she turned around to find a good lucking sales associate standing right behind her.

“Good day, Madam,” he greeted her. “How may we help you today?”

Blushing and hoping that he didn’t hear her fart, the woman asked him how much the bracelet cost. His reply took her by surprise.

“Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”
   May 7 at 19:15 EST .

   11 people like this.




   Ynaught  Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking:

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the s++t out of them first!"
   May 5 at 12:53 EST .

   13 people like this.


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