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Jokes



   Safetydude  Ok,
So these two women, who had not seen each other since college, meet at a funeral and after it was over started to chat.
"Well", said the first one. "I have three children. When the first one was born my husband gave me this beautiful diamond ring", and held out her hand.
"Well, bless your heart", said the other lady. "I have three children, too".
"Then", the first lady continued, "when my second child was born he took me on a month-long romantic cruise".
"Well bless your heart", said the other lady.
"And then when my third child was born my husband bought me a sixteen room house".
"Well, bless your heart" said the first lady, "when my first child was born my husband sent me to charm school".
"Charm school, what can you learn at charm school?"
"Well, for one thing I learned to say 'well bless your heart' instead of who gives a sh**!"

(I don't make 'en up, I just repeat 'em )
April 21 at 14:02 EST .

   1 person like this.




   MeiDei  spelling reminder
   March 4 at 11:50 EST .

   8 people like this.




   MeiDei  A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the Republican!"
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican.
He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you! A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts........"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
   February 17 at 16:32 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok,

So these two guys are chatting in the expectant father's waiting room in the local hospital.
The young guy is there for his first time and is pretty nervous, while the older guy is there for his sixth time.
As they chat the younger guy finally gets up the nerve to ask a personal question:
"Tell me" he asks blushing, "how long should you wait before resuming normal marital relations?"
The old guys gives him a long, penetration look,
"Well, I usually wait 'till she's in a private room."
   February 10 at 17:56 EST .

   6 people like this.




   MeiDei  US Army rescue (your smile for today )
   February 10 at 14:21 EST .

   8 people like this.




   MeiDei  Here's one for you Safety:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
   January 12 at 15:59 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Safetydude  I'm stealing that !!!
January 12 at 20:58 EST .

  10 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok,

So this housework-challenged blond dude decides he wants to wash his favorite sweatshirt.
He finds his way into the laundry room and stops in front of the washingmachine.
He's totally confused with all the settings on the machine so he calls to his wife;
"Honey" he calls, "what setting should I use for my sweatshirt?"
"What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
"Minnesota Vikings".

Happy New Year
(I've made a new year's 'revolution', I'm going to work on my PC'ness ).
January 3 at 20:10 EST .

   9 people like this.



   MeiDei  I hope that means you are abandoning any pc-itis you still may have.
January 12 at 18:56 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Safetydude  Yep', I was accused of being PC, once. Once.
January 16 at 10:55 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok,

So this elderly couple are on a world tour and are in St.Petersburg, Russia.
Their assigned 'Inturist' guide is driving them around the city when it starts to sleet.
“Oh look” cries the lady, “it's snowing”.
“Nyet” answers the guide, “tat be rain”.
“No” she responds, “in Iowa, where we're from, that's called snow".
This time the guide is very emphatic “tat is RAIN !”
The husband gets a little nervous and tells his wife to cool it; they're in Russia, after all, and (drum roll )

“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”.
November 26 at 16:27 EST .

   14 people like this.




   MeiDei  Thanksgiving Joke
   November 22 at 14:01 EST .

   18 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, So this AF pilot had a serious in-flight mishap and had to bail out of his jet.
He hit the ground badly and much later woke up in a hospital bed. As he was coming around a pretty, young nurse came to his bedside and, in a soft voice, said "you may not feel anything below the waist".
After a while, in hoarse voice, he whispered back, "can I just feel your ti*s"?

Go Air Force!
   November 18 at 21:01 EST .

   13 people like this.


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