John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk."
June 27 at 02:10 EST .
Safetydude Ok, so this Navy F-14 is somewhere over the Pacific heading for California when it develops a fuel problem. The pilot calls a low fuel emergency over 'guard channel' on his radio.
A Hawaiian Air Guard(ANG )KC-135 on orbit responds but because of different services and budgets they don't think they can help and recommends the guy divert to Kaneohe NAS and have the problem looked after.
"Listen to me" says the Navy guy, "I've been in the Persian Gulf for fourteen months and on Monday I got a call from my wife who said that there was going to be some f***ing going on at my house this Saturday and if I wanted in on it I'd better be there".
"10-4 Navy", responds the ANG pilot, "here are my coordinates, you can have all the gas you need and I'll do the paperwork and explaining later".
Not exactly funny but pretty close to the truth.
June 24 at 17:13 EST .
1 person like this.
Bettijo This has to be one of the best commercials of all times!
June 22 at 08:02 EST .
2 people like this.
Balogreene More Red Hat Society Jokes: BIRDS & BEES Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!
COUPONS I work as a cashier at a grocery store that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 ounce bag of Lays Potato Chips. One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight printed on the bag was 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking. She wasn't.
SEE-THE-WORLD After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but for the past 3 months all I've seen is water." "Sailor," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other 25 percent, you should have joined the Army."
June 19 at 20:06 EST .
Bettijo Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek. So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."
June 12 at 10:01 EST .
3 people like this.
Ole buzzard A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
Ole buzzard Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitors of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into everybody else's business.
Several members disapproved of her actions, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone would know what he was doing.
George was a man of few words, so he let Mildred rant, turned his back and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George very quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...and left it there all night.
Share this with the "Mildred"s in your life.
June 8 at 20:48 EST .
4 people like this.
Balogreene Okay, the following all came from the Queen of my Red Hat Society group:
MEN GIVE UP FAR MORE THAN WOMEN As a professor at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women. "You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing the cleaning, the cooking, their grocery shopping, the laundry...."
June 6 at 20:39 EST .
6 people like this.
Balogreene SHREDDER A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8:00 pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in. (PAUSE ) "Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."