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Jokes



   Ynaught  New Medications for Women:

ST. MOM'S WORT-
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n-
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o-
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l-
When taken with Peptobimbo, can create dangerously low I.Q., thus causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r-
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s-
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n-
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a-
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y-O n e-A l l-
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n-
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t-
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R a g a m e t-
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

D a m i t o l-
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
Monday at 20:47 EST .

   5 people like this.



   MeiDei  Priceless - heading to email for those "special" friends!

The country music reference is questionable, however, some of Willie's songs can live in your head long after the music stops.
Monday at 21:48 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Wrightwinger  So, what's the good news in your state?
   July 19 at 23:35 EST .

   8 people like this.



   MeiDei  WA State is what??? My friends there would disagree. : )
July 20 at 11:39 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Gerty  Mr.Wright--is there something I am misinterpreting in this chart?

For example: The question is "What is your state the WORST at? If Alaska is the worst at suicide, that means there are fewer cases of people offing themselves there. Yes?

It doesn't work the same for all states. Oh, my...I'm so con-foooosed!
July 20 at 19:09 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Wrightwinger  I think the idea is that these are bad things that are present in remarkable numbers in each state. I have no idea about the validity or the veracity of the information, and certainly don't think it means that some of these are in epic numbers. In WV we do tend toward heart disease and diet related problems as the number of family farms and gardens decline, and the food that is less expensive tends to be food that is also used to fatten cows.
Sunday at 23:24 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Gerty  Just playin' around with ya, Mr.Wright! :- )
Monday at 08:54 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Wrightwinger  Think about it...
   July 19 at 23:33 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Bettijo  I think it was Coach Tonto Coleman, the late SEC Commissioner and former Assistant Athletic Director under Bobby Dodd at Georgia Tech who used to tell this joke. Or it could have been the baseball coach, Joe Pittman (I think was his name ) who was there at the same time. (Any of you remember the name of the baseball coach, my age is catching up with me. ) Anyway, I hope I can do this joke justice.

A fly ball went over the center fieldman's head, the next one went just to his right, the next one went just to his left, finally one went between his legs. The manager was so angry, he stormed out onto the field and said, "I'll play center field!" The first ball went right over the manager's head, the next one when just to his right, the next one went just to his left, finally one went between his legs.

The manager threw down his mitt and screamed, "Now, see what you've done! You have center field so messed up nobody can play it."

That is how I feel about Obama. I fear he has this country so messed up, nobody can straighten it out.
   July 19 at 07:30 EST .

   6 people like this.



   Gerty  I don't know much about baseball, MissBettijo. But I fully understand and agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence.

Lord help us!
July 19 at 10:57 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Alice  Good joke, Bettijo, it gave me my first laugh of the day.

My husband and I agreed last night that what sets Obama apart is that he has demonstrated a weakness in the American system of government that we had not perceived in the past: the separation of powers depends on integrity rather than enforcement.

I'm sadly pretty ignorant of American history, but Obama's administrative actions seem unprecedented.

What is scary is that the Democratic Party as a whole encourages him and does not see a bad precedent in his expansion of presidential powers to re-writing laws. He is not operating in a vacuum; Pelosi, Reid, Debbis W-S, and on down through the ranks think he's a fine president -- including my own in-laws.

It's hard not to think we are toast when so many seem to happily accept what I see as looming totalitarianism.
July 19 at 11:38 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Bettijo  @Alice:
Dwight D. Eisenhower once said, I paraphrase his quote, "The most important quality for a any leader, sport, business, military, or government, is integrity." Sadly, our current leader doesn't even know the meaning of "integrity."
July 19 at 12:31 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Balogreene  @Alice. It's not so bleak (I hope ). It's easy and fun to learn history (at least for me ). Go on Amazon, subscribe to Bookbub.com, check out the national archives free audible books (or the Connections reading page ). I have a Kindle, but, you can get the app for your PC (or MAC ), many books are free. It's amazing what you learn. I don't read a lot of fiction, and a lot of books are free on Kindle, or from various sources. If we don't know history, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

We've been here before as a nation, and have fought back. We just have to learn from the past.
July 19 at 23:18 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Alice  @Bettijo, thanks for the paraphrased quote, and Amen!

@Balogreene, thanks, just checked out Bookbub, good idea!
Monday at 14:21 EST .

  6 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok,

So, this three-year old is examining his testicles while his mother is giving him a bath.
"Mom", he asked' "are these my brains?"
"Not yet", she answered.
July 18 at 17:30 EST .

   10 people like this.




   WAN2  WAN2

http://fijipensioners.com/2013/01/09/rehab-exercise-for-seni
or-men/
July 15 at 16:47 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Ynaught  (AP - Washington, D.C. ) - Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
July 15 at 13:15 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Ynaught  THE DOT....... FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a Red Dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington DC recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry
into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Investigated and reported by Joe Biden
July 14 at 18:40 EST .

   5 people like this.



   NotaBene  Hillarous!
July 15 at 01:44 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Safetydude  (Ok, since I totally screwed up on my last entry, I'm going to try this one more time )

After Peter retired from the AF he got a part-time job as a greeter at a local
Walmart.
After a couple of weeks his supervisor called him into her office.
"Peter", she said, "I know you've only been here for a short time and I know you are doing a great job as a greeter. You're well spoken, clean shaven, wear clean and pressed clothes every day but you can't seem to get here on time. Every day you you show up anywhere from five to fifteen minute late. We can't have that!"
"I know" he answered. "I'll try to do better".
"You better do more than try if you want to stay on the Walmart team".

As Peter was on his way out she asked, "and by the way, Peter, when you were in the AF and if you showed up late day after day, what did they say to you"?

"Good morning, General. Here's your coffee".

(Never underestimate what is under a head of gray hair )
July 13 at 21:36 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Gerty  Sent this one on directly to one of my nephews who recently retired (last week ) from the Air Force. Hope he likes it as much as I.
July 14 at 11:36 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Safetydude  Gerty,


Send my haaaaannnd salute to your nephew for his service from another AF retiree.
July 14 at 18:15 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Gerty  Will do, Mr.Dude!
July 14 at 18:55 EST .

  3 people like this.





   MeiDei  News Flash - Another boat intercepted off the Texas coast!!

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to the USA, but towards Mexico and Central America.

Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.
July 13 at 14:56 EST .

   3 people like this.



   NotaBene  Priceless. Reserve two places for hubby and me!!
July 14 at 23:27 EST .

  4 people like this.



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