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Jokes



   Bettijo  Obama and Hillary were standing at the foot of a flag pole looking up.
a republican walked up and asked them what they were doing.
Hillary said"we are trying to determine the height of this pole,but we don't have a ladder".
the republican said,"give me the wrench you are holding"
he then loosened four bolts at the base of the pole and laid it flat on the ground
then said',Let me use that tape measure"
after measuring the pole he said
"there you are,sixteen feet eight inches"
and walked off
Obama laughed and said
"isn't that just like a smart @ss republican, we ask for the height of this pole and he gives us the length"

man who throws mud loses ground
Yesterday at 07:00 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught  Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge, because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
April 20 at 22:30 EST .

   11 people like this.




   MeiDei  Avocados

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
April 19 at 19:35 EST .

   6 people like this.




   Ynaught  This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's new autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail'. To be released soon…
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.
"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice, 'Sack my cook.'
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
April 19 at 12:40 EST .

   4 people like this.



   MeiDei  Welcome back Ynaught! Good one.
April 19 at 16:08 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Ole buzzard  Estate Planning

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”

”Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

The father replied: “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.””
April 17 at 20:09 EST .

   11 people like this.




   MeiDei  THE OLD GEEZER

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 -- if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- “Aaagh !! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that’s Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young, down a thousand bucks, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, my eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !”
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

The moral of the story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer"!
April 14 at 17:54 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Bettijo  Love it!
April 16 at 15:50 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Bettijo  HOLY DAY SET BY FLORIDA COURT

This is great!! I know God is giggling

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!

You must read this... A proper decision by the courts for a change.

A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..." You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
April 14 at 07:49 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Bettijo  I became confused when I heard the word "service" being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable TV. "Service".
5, Civil "Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said that he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!
April 12 at 05:59 EST .

   15 people like this.




   Bettijo  Scientists told God that He wasn't needed anymore

One day, some scientists were arguing with God. They told God that He wasn't needed anymore because anything He could do, science could do just as well.

"Really," said God quizzically.

"Really," insisted the scientists.

"Can you make trees and bushes," asked God.

"We've done it many times," boasted the scientists.

"Can you make life from dirt," God asked.

"Certainly," said the scientists.

God said He would like to see them do that.

One of the scientists reached down and picked up a handful of dirt. He motioned for God to follow him into the lab.

God looked confused so the scientist explained that they would take the dirt into their lab and show God how they did it. God could go with and watch the process.

God shook His head. "No, no," He said, "use your own dirt."
April 11 at 07:08 EST .

   13 people like this.



   Gerty  Therein lies the trick---how to make something out of NOTHING!
April 13 at 18:31 EST .

  4 people like this.





   Nupi235  Searching thru old emails, and I found this one:

"I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.
...
’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me."
March 30 at 14:58 EST .

   12 people like this.


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