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Jokes



   WAN2  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a sh--head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012", or "HILLARY 2016" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Yesterday at 11:27 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this veteran Marine walk into the lecture hall on his first day back in college after serving two tours in Vietnam.

The professor, an avowed atheist, stands at the front of the hall and anounces that today he is going to prove that there is no God. So saying he raises his arms and faces the ceiling and shouts "God, if you are there knock me down. You have ten minutes".

The students are shocked and there is a loud murmur throghout the hall.
Five minutes pass and the professor says "C'mon God, I'm waiting".

Several more minutes pass and the Marine gets up, walks down to the front of the hall, and knocks the professor out cold. After a while he comes to and starts screaming at the Marine; "What the he** do you mean by hitting me"?

"Well, God was really busy so he sent me".

Not real funny but somewhat profound.
September 16 at 23:04 EST .

   13 people like this.



   Safetydude  Ok, so this amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender; "Do I come in here often"?
Yesterday at 23:24 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Carolina Kat  From my horse buddies:
I'm a second hand vegan. Cows eat grass. I eat cows.

My friend told told me he was delusional; I laughed so hard I almost fell off my unicorn.
September 16 at 18:48 EST .

   6 people like this.



   Gerty  Miss Kat, thanks for the laugh and welcome back! So glad to see you posting again.
Wednesday at 15:29 EST .

  5 people like this.



   Carolina Kat  Thanks Gerty! ; )
Yesterday at 09:44 EST .

  6 people like this.





   WAN2  AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and
memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
September 15 at 09:10 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught  The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could insure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago"
September 13 at 21:21 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Bettijo  A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything.

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am
going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will
show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it
and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew
asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What
did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
September 11 at 08:19 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this blind guy is led into a bar by his seeing-eye dog and then he stops in the middle of the room and starts to swing the dog by its leash around and around over his head.
The bartender rushes over and asks "What the he** are you doing?"
"Hey, I'm just looking around".
September 9 at 23:28 EST .

   4 people like this.



   Safetydude  Ok, so this pony walks into a bar.
"Gimme' a Bud please", he whispers to the bartender.
"Sure, but why are you whispering"?
"Sorry" says the pony, "but I'm just a little horse".
September 10 at 22:34 EST .

  6 people like this.



   Gerty  Keep 'em comin', Mr. Dude!!
September 10 at 23:06 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Safetydude  Ok, so this snake slithers into a bar, curls up on a stool but before he can say anything the bartender comes up and says "I'm sorry, but I won't serve you".
"Why not" asks the snake?
"'Cause I know you can't hold your liquor".
September 13 at 17:52 EST .

  7 people like this.





   Ynaught  An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
September 9 at 17:42 EST .

   4 people like this.




   WAN2  HOSPITAL VISIT

In a hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope
left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance
will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable
to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a
Republican's brain?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the Republicans' brains at a lot lower cost because they're used."
September 6 at 09:36 EST .

   5 people like this.




   WAN2  A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
September 3 at 19:22 EST .

   5 people like this.


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