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Jokes



   MeiDei  IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!

YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,
FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI, T-SHIRTS, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK, AND THREE FLAG BURNERS.

FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE 'BAD TASTE'

OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

   2 hours ago .

   1 person like this.



   MeiDei  sorry about the all caps, the cap bar got stuck.
2 hours ago .




   MeiDei  Question: Is sex Work?

A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.
3 hours ago .




   Ynaught  On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this
bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila
shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would
appear in the elevator and repeat the entire process. This one guy
watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of
him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking,
then jumping off the balcony, and yet, minutes later, you're back again.
How do you do it?" Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that
when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of
fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his
gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks
a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and
whooooooooooooo, SPLAT! The bartender shakes his head, looks over at the
first guy and says,
"Superman, you're an a$$h0le when you're drunk."
10 hours ago .




   MeiDei  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money"!
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut
off my electricity this morning."
Yesterday at 10:46 EST .

   2 people like this.




   Ynaught  After selling his car and making a good profit, Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
Yesterday at 10:10 EST .

   2 people like this.




   Ynaught  Safari

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Wednesday at 07:14 EST .

   9 people like this.



   Gerty  Me thinks there is a moral in this story--I like it.
Wednesday at 19:21 EST .

 1 person like this.





   MeiDei  A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
Wednesday at 00:14 EST .

   5 people like this.



   MeiDei  Shame on me.
Wednesday at 00:14 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Ynaught  Richard the Pourer

Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage ). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.

One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices.

When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him . . . it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst.
October 27 at 22:20 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Ynaught  *ducking and running*
October 27 at 22:20 EST .

  3 people like this.



   Gerty  Good call, Miss Y!
Tuesday at 19:31 EST .

  2 people like this.



   Wrightwinger  Ooooh! This is a Henway!



(About 4 lbs )
Tuesday at 22:35 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Safetydude  A little pre-Halloween joke.

Ok, so these two guys are walking home after an evening at their local bar.
It's late and it looks like rain so they decide to take a shortcut through the church cemetary.

As they are walking along they hear a tapping noise comming from one of the graves in the shadows. They sneak over to the grave to see what's going on and they see this old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at a headstone.

"What in the world are you doing working this late"? they asked.
"The headstone they buried me under has my name misspelled".
October 27 at 20:36 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Ynaught  "Hi. This is the President. Is Senator Lieberman in?"
"Not today, sir. This is Yom Kippur."
"Well hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"

   October 27 at 19:23 EST .

   6 people like this.



   Gerty  YES !!
Tuesday at 19:33 EST .

  4 people like this.



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