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But True

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   Sternben  Longevity
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Thursday at 14:36 EST .

   1 person like this.

   Sternben  The parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
Thursday at 14:33 EST .

   2 people like this.

   Safetydude  Just thought I'd swing by on my way to the grill...

Ok, so this guy is sitting on a bench in the park eating his lunch when a woman and her little dog comes by.

The dog stops and begins to jump on the guy, trying to reach the food.
So the guy turns to the woman and asks if it would be ok "to throw the dog a bit"?

"That would be very nice of you", she answers.

So the guy picks up the dog and throws it over a hedge.
April 14 at 18:37 EST .

   2 people like this.

   Wrightwinger  Puppy sitting this week... Tempting that!
April 15 at 10:21 EST .

   Safetydude  Ok, so this skeleton takes a seat at the bar'

"What'll you have" asks the bartender.

The skeleton thinks for a minute, "I'll have a beer and a mop".
April 16 at 11:03 EST .

 1 person like this.

   Eagles Dominion  :- )
   April 13 at 23:26 EST .

   2 people like this.

   Rakasha  My son, the aspiring comedian, walked up to me this morning and said, "You know, Mom, all this genetic engineering of our food supply is getting out of hand. I picked up one of the apples you bought yesterday and it said 'made in China.'"
   April 13 at 18:44 EST .

   1 person like this.

   Loosbolt  they found them!
   April 9 at 18:26 EST .

   1 person like this.

   Hurmie84  Grandma Still Drives

She is 88 yrs old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an up lifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love jesus! While I was sitting there, the buy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his widow and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!
What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking. I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another may waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying the religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after ll the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!
Write again soon,
Love Grandma
   April 4 at 16:42 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Safetydude  Gra'ma must live in SW Florida.
And she does get around, I get caught behind her every day.
April 5 at 16:01 EST .

  5 people like this.

   Ynaught  Tradesman

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
April 4 at 00:06 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Safetydude  Ok, so these two guys are standing at ajacent urinals doing their business and as one guy finishes and starts to leave the other guy turns and asks "Hey, aren't you going to wash your hands? In the Marines they taught us to always wash our hands after going to the bathroom".

"So, in the Air Force they taught us not to pi** on our fingers".
April 1 at 18:52 EST .

   3 people like this.

   Ole buzzard  Ah! Memories from basic training!
April 1 at 19:22 EST .

  2 people like this.

   Eagles Dominion  LOL... My daughter-in-law is currently in BCT at Fort Jackson, SC and then on to AIT at Fort Lee, Virginia. I'll have to email this and ask her for a comment! ;- ) I can just hear her( she's rather outspoken to say the least ).
April 5 at 21:42 EST .

  3 people like this.

   Safetydude  When you do ED, give her our thanks for joining the military.

Fort Lee, Combat Support. Great training for a post-military career.

(And I did say 'Marines', not 'Army' ).
April 6 at 21:38 EST .

  3 people like this.

   Safetydude  Ok, so this homeowner is talking to the guy in Home Depot...
'Is this insecticide good for beetles?'
'No, It kills 'em'.
April 6 at 22:02 EST .

  4 people like this.

   Wrightwinger  Had to happen...
   March 31 at 05:52 EST .

   4 people like this.

   Safetydude  WW,

I think this is the original version that they did on the radio.
They did it later on their TV show and in one of their movies.
March 31 at 17:13 EST .

  2 people like this.

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