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Jokes



   Ole buzzard  One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”
July 25 at 17:52 EST .

   1 person like this.




   MeiDei  MAY DAY...MAY DAY...MAY DAY
This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…"
June 30 at 18:30 EST .

   4 people like this.



   FlatCityGirl  I'm stealing this one.
July 16 at 12:23 EST .




   Safetydude  Ok, so these two guys are walking down the street outside a tall fence that you can't see through.
From behind the fence they hear a chorus of voices chanting "21-21-21".
"I wonder what that means?" says one guy.
As they walk on they come to a small opening in the fence and the guy puts his eye to the hole to see if he can figure out what "21" means.
While he's looking in the hole somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick!
"22-22-22..."
June 26 at 23:16 EST .

   2 people like this.



   FlatCityGirl  LOLOLOL
July 16 at 12:24 EST .

 1 person like this.





   MeiDei  A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face Cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."

That's him, there in Aisle 5.

   June 19 at 15:54 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Safetydude  He never knew what hit him.
June 19 at 18:10 EST .

 1 person like this.



   HopeandGlory  LOL!!! . . . I love this.
June 20 at 21:54 EST .

 1 person like this.





   MeiDei  Copied from CTH comment:
"I went shopping at a mall the other day and I noticed a Muslim book store.
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my a--! Get out and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
June 19 at 00:49 EST .

   2 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over...women like that are hard to find."
May 15 at 14:07 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here."
May 15 at 14:05 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the n*ts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the n*ts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the n*ts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the n*ts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
May 9 at 00:18 EST .

   5 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She asked...."Who Was That guy?"
May 9 at 00:13 EST .

   2 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  CUTE ONE
   May 8 at 23:57 EST .

   2 people like this.



   RedWhiteBlue  Well that didn't work. Any ideas in making it larger?
May 8 at 23:58 EST .

  3 people like this.



   Ole buzzard  I tried to resize it in Photoshop. No luck there, either.
July 25 at 20:26 EST .


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