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Jokes



   MeiDei  Hillary vs. Little Johnny

Hillary Clinton was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Clinton if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So the illustrious Democratic candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Clinton. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Clinton searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said:
"If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss....
and you can bet your sweet a** it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room...
September 8 at 09:51 EST .

   3 people like this.




   MeiDei  Would you capture the moment?
   September 5 at 16:11 EST .

   1 person like this.




   StormCnter  In line at Walmart:
http://www.facebook.com/valetalavera14/videos/84432932891314
6/
   August 28 at 05:54 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Escaped commieny  same thing at the bank !
August 30 at 20:09 EST .

  2 people like this.



   MeiDei  Grocery store!
September 4 at 07:36 EST .

 1 person like this.





   Calvinesq  It all adds up -

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and You have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
August 2 at 10:11 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”
July 25 at 17:52 EST .

   4 people like this.



   NotaBene  Great joke! I had a good laugh.
July 31 at 22:24 EST .

  2 people like this.





   MeiDei  MAY DAY...MAY DAY...MAY DAY
This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…"
June 30 at 18:30 EST .

   4 people like this.



   FlatCityGirl  I'm stealing this one.
July 16 at 12:23 EST .

 1 person like this.





   Safetydude  Ok, so these two guys are walking down the street outside a tall fence that you can't see through.
From behind the fence they hear a chorus of voices chanting "21-21-21".
"I wonder what that means?" says one guy.
As they walk on they come to a small opening in the fence and the guy puts his eye to the hole to see if he can figure out what "21" means.
While he's looking in the hole somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick!
"22-22-22..."
June 26 at 23:16 EST .

   2 people like this.



   FlatCityGirl  LOLOLOL
July 16 at 12:24 EST .

  2 people like this.





   MeiDei  A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face Cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."

That's him, there in Aisle 5.

   June 19 at 15:54 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Safetydude  He never knew what hit him.
June 19 at 18:10 EST .

 1 person like this.



   HopeandGlory  LOL!!! . . . I love this.
June 20 at 21:54 EST .

 1 person like this.





   MeiDei  Copied from CTH comment:
"I went shopping at a mall the other day and I noticed a Muslim book store.
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my a--! Get out and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
June 19 at 00:49 EST .

   4 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over...women like that are hard to find."
May 15 at 14:07 EST .

   3 people like this.


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