OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
A 75-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"--
July 7 at 05:54 EST .
4 people like this.
NotaBene I had a hood laugh. The end was completely unexpected.
Bettijo Bet this man will never park in a handicap space again.
June 28 at 22:13 EST .
5 people like this.
Balogreene I just want to say, one guy at work always parked his Porsche in the handicapped spaces. I complained because he had no tags. I was told he could hardly walk (I saw him, they are right ), he was disabled in Vietnam. The thing is, he was a high-ranking officer, and was too proud to admit he was handicapped, so he didn't use a license or a tag.
I said, use it, or walk the distance. My mother is 85, and horribly crippled with arthritis. We have tags. This guy was injured in war, is he not every bit as honorable as my mother?
July 6 at 19:13 EST .
2 people like this.
MeiDei Sometimes it isn't pride that keeps one from 'advertising' a handicap status - they're usually the ones criminals pick as targets - especially if they are alone & seemingly unable to defend themselves. I get more upset with those who drive a handicapped person & use the tag even tho' the one it's issued to isn't in the car/van.
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk."
June 27 at 02:10 EST .
5 people like this.
Safetydude Ok, so this Navy F-14 is somewhere over the Pacific heading for California when it develops a fuel problem. The pilot calls a low fuel emergency over 'guard channel' on his radio.
A Hawaiian Air Guard(ANG )KC-135 on orbit responds but because of different services and budgets they don't think they can help and recommends the guy divert to Kaneohe NAS and have the problem looked after.
"Listen to me" says the Navy guy, "I've been in the Persian Gulf for fourteen months and on Monday I got a call from my wife who said that there was going to be some f***ing going on at my house this Saturday and if I wanted in on it I'd better be there".
"10-4 Navy", responds the ANG pilot, "here are my coordinates, you can have all the gas you need and I'll do the paperwork and explaining later".
Not exactly funny but pretty close to the truth.
June 24 at 17:13 EST .
4 people like this.
Bettijo This has to be one of the best commercials of all times!
June 22 at 08:02 EST .
5 people like this.
Balogreene More Red Hat Society Jokes: BIRDS & BEES Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!
COUPONS I work as a cashier at a grocery store that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 ounce bag of Lays Potato Chips. One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight printed on the bag was 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking. She wasn't.
SEE-THE-WORLD After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but for the past 3 months all I've seen is water." "Sailor," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other 25 percent, you should have joined the Army."