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Jokes



   RedWhiteBlue  And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over...women like that are hard to find."
May 15 at 14:07 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here."
May 15 at 14:05 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the n*ts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the n*ts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the n*ts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the n*ts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
May 9 at 00:18 EST .

   5 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She asked...."Who Was That guy?"
May 9 at 00:13 EST .

   2 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  CUTE ONE
   May 8 at 23:57 EST .

   2 people like this.



   RedWhiteBlue  Well that didn't work. Any ideas in making it larger?
May 8 at 23:58 EST .

 1 person like this.





   RedWhiteBlue  Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
May 8 at 23:52 EST .

   2 people like this.




   MeiDei  Not really a joke ....
   May 4 at 14:36 EST .

   3 people like this.




   FlatCityGirl  Dear Abby:

I’ve been married to my husband since college, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he has not even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

For crying out loud, grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, think about it. You’re running for President of the United states. You don’t Need him anymore.
   April 7 at 12:26 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  Some time ago, a young Orangeman wooed and married a Papist maiden. After the marriage, the young Orangemen also converted to Catholicism and became a Papist himself.

After some months, he still couldn't reconcile the fact that he was now a Catholic and no longer a Protestant, so he went to his parish priest for guidance. The priest told him to keep repeating to himself "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." He also added, "You keep saying that to yourself, and soon enough you'll get it through that thick Orange skull of yours that you're a Catholic, and not a Protestant."

So off he went, muttering under his breath "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." over and over.

Some weeks later, the priest was making his rounds of the parish and decided to stop in and visit the newlyweds. He knocked on the door, and the young bride opened it and invited Father in. As soon as he entered he got a whiff of something that one just doesn't smell in a good Catholic house on a Friday. He asked "Mary, where is Sam?" to which she replied, "Why, Father, he's in the kitchen."

Father went into the kitchen, where he found Sam ladeling gravy over a great, huge steak, muttering "You're a trout, not a steak. You're a trout, not a steak. You're a trout, not a steak."
   April 6 at 15:32 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Calvinesq  So, these two cannibals are eating a clown.

The one cannibal turns to the other and says: "Does he taste funny to you?"
   April 1 at 12:21 EST .

   7 people like this.


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