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Jokes



   MeiDei  BUYING A MERCEDES

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...
See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day."

OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROWBOAT AND TAKING TARTAR SAUCE WITH YOU!
February 15 at 13:31 EST .

   2 people like this.




   MeiDei  Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There! That should upset just about everybody!!....
January 28 at 00:28 EST .

   3 people like this.




   MeiDei  At Friday evening services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I am sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you please hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving was not fond of Morris’ idea; however, as they were lifelong friends, he reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi, asking him many stupid questions to keep him occupied. After some time the wise rabbi becomes suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"

Irving, consumed with guilt and remorse confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"
January 28 at 00:21 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this old dude gets a job as a greeter at Walmart. He does a terrific job for a couple of months and then one day he comes in late.
The floor Manager councils him and tells him to 'shape up'. The guys says he'll do his best.
Another couple months go by and he's late again.
This time the General manager takes him into his office and really reads the guy the riot act; "if you can't do your job maybe you should quit before you get fired" yells the Manager.
"By the way", he continues, "since you're retired you must have been able to keep your last job for a long time".
"What did they say to you there if you came in late"?
"Good Morning, General. Here's your coffee".
January 19 at 19:23 EST .

   4 people like this.




   MeiDei  Snow Plow Days

The radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says..."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
January 16 at 18:27 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Trantor  An original!

Why did Hillary get kicked out of her Bridge club?

because every single hand, she would always say "no trump, no trump, no trump"
January 2 at 20:11 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Calvinesq  Amish vs. An Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

“Go get your Mother.”
December 22 at 11:55 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Alice  Brit Hume posted this on TwitLonger:

A man I know copied me on this, which he says he sent to the Chicago Tribune, addressed it seems to columnist Clarence Page:

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might
argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would
exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend,
and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move
forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant
Blacks from the 60s alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named
for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic
war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among
our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints,
the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.
We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings,
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our
children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even
spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved
with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing
Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State
women's athletic teams to something other than the Beavers. (especially when
they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to
the Beavers ??? )

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the
Redskins name, I would suggest they change the name to the Foreskins to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dickheads in
Congress.
December 19 at 13:17 EST .

   2 people like this.



   MeiDei  Good one!
December 21 at 21:56 EST .

  2 people like this.





   RedWhiteBlue  Faster Flight?


An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh!t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
================================
sorry about the ''bad'' word.LOL
December 13 at 13:01 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  Why things went the way they did on election day.


It was pointed out to me that on election day the Democratic vote started out with a pretty healthy lead – and then the Republicans got home from work.
December 2 at 15:18 EST .

   7 people like this.


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