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Jokes



   StormCnter  I got this in an email from another L-Dotter. I hope it hasn't been previously posted.

Crisis at the U.S. - Canadian Border

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Wednesday at 11:24 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so it was pouring rain and there was a deep puddle in front of the 'O' club.
Because of the rain all missions had been scrubbed and this grizzled old fighter pilot was standing at the edge of the puddle with a fishing rod, the line in the water.

One of the young aviators came by and asked,
"What are you doing, Colonel"?
"Fishing" was the answer.

'Poor old guy' thought the Captain and invited the old pilot to join him for a drink.

As they were sipping their drinks the Captain asked "So Colonel, how many have you caught"?
"You're the eighth", said the Colonel.
November 13 at 18:40 EST .

   13 people like this.




   Wrightwinger  Sign of the times... Duck lips no less...
   November 12 at 18:23 EST .

   9 people like this.



   Gerty  I'm showing this to all my nieces!!
November 14 at 19:11 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Allsogreat  One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy
He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle into the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy..
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
November 10 at 14:51 EST .

   11 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, So the Highway Traffic Safety Administration has just released the results of a study on why so many Volt, Prius and Golf automobiles were involved so many accidents last year when they represent such a small segment of automobiles on the road's.

The findings were that the drivers were busy patting themselves on the back while driving.
November 8 at 16:51 EST .

   12 people like this.




   MeiDei  IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!

YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,
FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI, T-SHIRTS, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK, AND THREE FLAG BURNERS.

FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE 'BAD TASTE'

OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

   October 31 at 17:50 EST .

   18 people like this.



   MeiDei  sorry about the all caps, the cap bar got stuck.
October 31 at 18:36 EST .

  16 people like this.





   MeiDei  Question: Is sex Work?

A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.
October 31 at 17:29 EST .

   17 people like this.




   Ynaught  On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this
bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila
shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would
appear in the elevator and repeat the entire process. This one guy
watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of
him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking,
then jumping off the balcony, and yet, minutes later, you're back again.
How do you do it?" Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that
when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of
fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his
gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks
a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and
whooooooooooooo, SPLAT! The bartender shakes his head, looks over at the
first guy and says,
"Superman, you're an a$$h0le when you're drunk."
October 31 at 09:54 EST .

   18 people like this.




   MeiDei  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money"!
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut
off my electricity this morning."
October 30 at 10:46 EST .

   14 people like this.




   Ynaught  After selling his car and making a good profit, Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
October 30 at 10:10 EST .

   12 people like this.


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