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Jokes



   MeiDei  HOW GOD CREATED TEXANS:
When God created the world for humankind to prosper & multiply, He decided to give each group two (2 ) virtues.

As an example, He made the Japanese patient & hardworking, He made the Germans tenacious & hard-headed, He made the Americans organized & pragmatic, and so on.

When God considered Texans, He told the record-keeping angel, "Texans are going to be intelligent, honest, & democrats."

When God finished creating the world, the angel noticed that God had given every group two (2 ) virtues except the Texans, who had rec'd three (3 ).

The angel thought that this would give the Texans an unfair advantage over the other groups of human beings. He pointed this out to God.

God said, "Oh, my goodness, you are certainly right, but since virtues given by God cannot be changed, we shall do the following:

From now on Texans will keep three the(3 ) virtues, however, they can only use two (2 ) at a time."

This explains why:
A Texan, who is a democrat & honest, cannot be intelligent.
One who is intelligent & democrat, cannot be honest.
AND ONE WHO IS INTELLIGENT & HONEST, CAN NEVER BE A DEMOCRAT!
This is why most Texans are REPUBLICANS!
March 23 at 14:48 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Bettijo  A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth.

He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“Last night, I beat the hell out of a Muslim”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
March 18 at 10:17 EST .

   14 people like this.




   MeiDei  A little late in the day -
   March 17 at 20:16 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Sternben  While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she
knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole; you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh.”

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
   March 11 at 16:03 EST .

   13 people like this.




   M-79  My wife went to the doctor the other day. After her exam was complete the doctor told her she was fine and did she have any other questions. She said, "My husband gets so mad sometimes and just goes on and on. How can I stop his rants?" Her doctor told her whenever I go into one of my rants she is to get a glass of water take a mouthful and just slosh the water back and forth until I stop.
Nest week I went on one of my rants and she took a mouthful of water and sloshed it back and forth for about 2 minutes and I stopped ranting and all was well. She went back to the doctor and told him about how my rants had virtually stopped since she had been using the water. "What is so special about that water?" she asked. The doctor replied, "It keeps your mouth shut."
   February 24 at 16:53 EST .

   15 people like this.



   Gerty  I believe it. I believe it!
February 25 at 16:42 EST .

  5 people like this.





   Papasparky  The scientists at NASA Weather Satellites are puzzled, but suspect a practical joke by the Landsat boys over at the EPA and do not believe the story that the two downloads became entangled during transmission to earth.
   February 23 at 14:14 EST .

   16 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  Where's Walter...
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
"Walter," says the little boy.
Obama responds, "Hi Walter and what is your question?"
"I,d like to start with seven questions"
First, "Why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?".?
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil or even pursue the Keystone Pipeline?"
Fifth, "Why do you continue to cover up the Benghazi scandal?"
Sixth, "Why do you spy on your own U.S. Citizens?"
and lastly, "Why did the IRS target Conservatives?
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have two questions.?
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 40 minutes early?"
Second, "What the heck happened to Walter?"
   February 12 at 13:31 EST .

   14 people like this.



   Balogreene  I gotta say, I put this on FaceBook, and one of my cousins made a derogatory comment. I said only people with no brains like Obama. I probably lost half my family.
February 16 at 19:45 EST .

  4 people like this.





   MeiDei  Just the other day our temp was a single digit....... someone checked on the neighbor
   February 10 at 21:01 EST .

   13 people like this.




   Allsogreat  A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the
dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis
"S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over
the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them
to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets
and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a
trap. There's two of them.
   February 9 at 14:46 EST .

   14 people like this.




   MeiDei  11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .
   February 2 at 19:28 EST .

   20 people like this.


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