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Jokes



   Safetydude  Ok, so this old dude gets a job as a greeter at Walmart. He does a terrific job for a couple of months and then one day he comes in late.
The floor Manager councils him and tells him to 'shape up'. The guys says he'll do his best.
Another couple months go by and he's late again.
This time the General manager takes him into his office and really reads the guy the riot act; "if you can't do your job maybe you should quit before you get fired" yells the Manager.
"By the way", he continues, "since you're retired you must have been able to keep your last job for a long time".
"What did they say to you there if you came in late"?
"Good Morning, General. Here's your coffee".
Yesterday at 19:23 EST .

   2 people like this.




   MeiDei  Snow Plow Days

The radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says..."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
January 16 at 18:27 EST .

   1 person like this.




   Trantor  An original!

Why did Hillary get kicked out of her Bridge club?

because every single hand, she would always say "no trump, no trump, no trump"
January 2 at 20:11 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Calvinesq  Amish vs. An Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

“Go get your Mother.”
December 22 at 11:55 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Alice  Brit Hume posted this on TwitLonger:

A man I know copied me on this, which he says he sent to the Chicago Tribune, addressed it seems to columnist Clarence Page:

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might
argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would
exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend,
and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move
forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant
Blacks from the 60s alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named
for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic
war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among
our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints,
the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.
We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings,
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our
children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even
spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved
with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing
Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State
women's athletic teams to something other than the Beavers. (especially when
they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to
the Beavers ??? )

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the
Redskins name, I would suggest they change the name to the Foreskins to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dickheads in
Congress.
December 19 at 13:17 EST .

   1 person like this.



   MeiDei  Good one!
December 21 at 21:56 EST .

 1 person like this.





   RedWhiteBlue  Faster Flight?


An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh!t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
================================
sorry about the ''bad'' word.LOL
December 13 at 13:01 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  Why things went the way they did on election day.


It was pointed out to me that on election day the Democratic vote started out with a pretty healthy lead – and then the Republicans got home from work.
December 2 at 15:18 EST .

   7 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  True Golfing Buddies
This guy brings his best golfing buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a (*&$%#$ mess, and the dishes aren't done.
I’m completely exhausted!
I didn’t get enough sleep last night.
Can't you see I'm still in my @#$%^ pajamas??
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the heck did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time,
you stupid idiot?"
And the husband replies,
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."
December 2 at 15:17 EST .

   4 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  A Guy Bought A Dead Horse Without Knowing. What He Did With It Is Genius, And Hilarious!

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to
Chucks house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse
died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that
dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a
profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
November 29 at 23:44 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Alice  Going around Facebook :- )
   November 12 at 23:07 EST .

   5 people like this.



   RedWhiteBlue  Trump is thinking...when is this jerk gonna get out of the People's House!
November 29 at 23:47 EST .

  4 people like this.



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