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Jokes



   Safetydude  Ok, so this ghost walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of vodka.
"Sorry" says the bartender, "It's past midnite' and we can't serve spirits after eleven".
15 hours ago .

   6 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so an E-flat walks into a bar...
"You have to leave" says the bartender, "we don't serve minors in here".

Good Night, You guys have been great!
August 25 at 22:05 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this guy walks into a bar with a bag on his sholder and takes it off and lays it on the floor.
The bartender comes up and says "Sorry buddy, you can't leave that lyin there".
"It's not a lion, it's a bag" answers the guy.

Ok, so this guy goes into a bar on a university campus and asks the bartender
"When do you quit serving"?
"After the g".

Ok, so this penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother"?
"I'm not sure" says the bartender. "What's he look like"?

Last one, I promise!

A group of fonts walk into a bar and when the bartender sees them he immediately tells them to "get out"!

"We don't serve your type in here"!
August 24 at 22:10 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Gerty  It's Monday, Mr.Dude! And I can't figure out (for the life of me ) why I can't stop laughing at that stuff you just posted as jokes! :- )
August 25 at 15:04 EST .

 1 person like this.





   Bettijo  A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there"
August 24 at 12:50 EST .

   2 people like this.




   WAN2  Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger says "Stevie, how's the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing
for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to
be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?”
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call
to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money,
and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that..
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
August 22 at 12:05 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Gerty  Now...Who has the 'handicap'?
August 22 at 15:08 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok, so the bartender sets up a drink on the bar; "here you are, sir".
Then the timetraveler walks in.
August 21 at 20:20 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Gerty  It takes a certain amount of a special kind of humor to appreciate this little joke!

Well done, Mr.Dude!
August 24 at 06:51 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Ynaught  A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table..whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
August 21 at 13:57 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Olhokie64  This resembles me.
August 21 at 18:15 EST .

  2 people like this.



   NotaBene  Dear Ynaught, you never fail to make me laugh. We had a long, busy day with computer and other problems. I was exhausted tonight, me and hubby had a good laugh with your joke. Thank you!!
August 23 at 01:05 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Iacta alea est  A joke from the world of art history......

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The fish.
August 21 at 12:49 EST .

   2 people like this.



   Safetydude  Speakin' of fish; two fish bump into a concrete wall.
"Dam", said one.
August 21 at 20:33 EST .

  3 people like this.



   Gerty  What fish!?!

What dam!?!

Would somebody PLEASE tell me what is going on?
August 24 at 06:55 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Ynaught  Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired... Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ......

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
August 21 at 09:30 EST .

   3 people like this.



   Iacta alea est  Man who walks with hands in pocket feels silly.....
Man who walks with hole in pocket feels nuts.
August 21 at 12:46 EST .

  2 people like this.



   Iacta alea est  Man who goes to sleep with itchy arse, wake up with smelly fingers.
August 21 at 12:47 EST .

  2 people like this.



   MeiDei  Man who flies airplane upside down ends with crack up.
August 21 at 14:08 EST .

  3 people like this.



   Olhokie64  { who fish in other man's well often.
August 21 at 18:14 EST .

  4 people like this.





   MeiDei  60th Class Reunion - Priceless!

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and
having attended Class Reunions in the past without fail.

For their 60th class anniversary, the widower and the widow made a foursome with
two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
August 18 at 18:50 EST .

   6 people like this.



   Gerty  MeiDei--you're an incurable romantic!

And that's good for us here on the Connection!
August 19 at 05:32 EST .

  4 people like this.



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