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Jokes



   M-79  My wife went to the doctor the other day. After her exam was complete the doctor told her she was fine and did she have any other questions. She said, "My husband gets so mad sometimes and just goes on and on. How can I stop his rants?" Her doctor told her whenever I go into one of my rants she is to get a glass of water take a mouthful and just slosh the water back and forth until I stop.
Nest week I went on one of my rants and she took a mouthful of water and sloshed it back and forth for about 2 minutes and I stopped ranting and all was well. She went back to the doctor and told him about how my rants had virtually stopped since she had been using the water. "What is so special about that water?" she asked. The doctor replied, "It keeps your mouth shut."
February 24 at 16:53 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Gerty  I believe it. I believe it!
Wednesday at 16:42 EST .




   Papasparky  The scientists at NASA Weather Satellites are puzzled, but suspect a practical joke by the Landsat boys over at the EPA and do not believe the story that the two downloads became entangled during transmission to earth.
   February 23 at 14:14 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  Where's Walter...
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
"Walter," says the little boy.
Obama responds, "Hi Walter and what is your question?"
"I,d like to start with seven questions"
First, "Why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?".?
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil or even pursue the Keystone Pipeline?"
Fifth, "Why do you continue to cover up the Benghazi scandal?"
Sixth, "Why do you spy on your own U.S. Citizens?"
and lastly, "Why did the IRS target Conservatives?
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have two questions.?
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 40 minutes early?"
Second, "What the heck happened to Walter?"
   February 12 at 13:31 EST .

   4 people like this.



   Balogreene  I gotta say, I put this on FaceBook, and one of my cousins made a derogatory comment. I said only people with no brains like Obama. I probably lost half my family.
February 16 at 19:45 EST .

 1 person like this.





   MeiDei  Just the other day our temp was a single digit....... someone checked on the neighbor
   February 10 at 21:01 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Allsogreat  A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the
dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis
"S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over
the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them
to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets
and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a
trap. There's two of them.
   February 9 at 14:46 EST .

   10 people like this.




   MeiDei  11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .
   February 2 at 19:28 EST .

   15 people like this.




   Ynaught  A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn't believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine"!!

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
   January 28 at 16:57 EST .

   13 people like this.




   Calvinesq  So, we were told we were getting the Biggest Storm in History. But, a funny thing happened ....
   January 27 at 11:22 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  I have always wondered if Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black, downtown Atlanta church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I went to the church, sat down and after a minute Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed. He laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the service, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my danged car had been stolen!
   January 24 at 19:13 EST .

   13 people like this.




   Escaped commieny  Best Joke on the boards is Harry, Dinghy, Harry claiming an exercise band sent him flying into cabinets that broke his bones. ROTFLMAO.
I had a Humana group for Silver Sneakers, OK, so we used less resistant bands, but I know plenty of guys that used the Gold Gym Power Training Extreme, Heavy Duty resistance band in between weight lifting for cross training. If it breaks from long use, it tears, it doesn't just let go and send you flying. What a moron, hope it was those guys that wanted him to eliminate Bundy, pay back is a zitch.
   January 20 at 16:33 EST .

   13 people like this.



   Alice  Yes! Seems like a couple of times now DHarry has been 'lessoned' and claimed it was exercise equipment... The organizations that founded Las Vegas may be out of sight these days, but would not actually abandon such a lucrative city or state.
January 23 at 12:00 EST .

  11 people like this.



   Bettijo  Could it be Harry is too weak (in strength as well as character ) to use a "professional" resistant band and was using a super-size rubber band? I think rubber bands do "snap." Just asking...

Or, possibly, 6 years of protecting and defending Obama could have driven him to drink resulting in a fall like Hillary. Who knows?
January 29 at 10:47 EST .

  4 people like this.



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