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Jokes



   Bettijo  The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. l'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental
here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy
sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates
16 hours ago .

   1 person like this.



   MeiDei  Now that's funny! This would be just as funny if a mafia type, or any ethnic group was referenced.
16 hours ago .




   Bettijo  The Tomato Garden

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

   17 hours ago .

   2 people like this.




   Bettijo  Results of a recent survey regarding America’s population…

Are there too many illegal aliens in the United States?

YES 22%
NO 17%
NO COMPRENDE 61%
   20 hours ago .

   3 people like this.




   Wrightwinger  Maybe more a prank than a joke...
   22 hours ago .

   2 people like this.



   MeiDei  OK - I'll bite - how did they do that?
19 hours ago .


   Wrightwinger  I think one fills the glass half full of water, puts a card over the top, inverts the glass and places this on a table smooth top table. The card is gently and quickly removed by sliding it out from under the glass. I know a science demo shows the pressure of the atmosphere, and the surface tension of the water by filling the glass full, and then inverting it with a card, the atmosphere will hold the card in place. Another way might be to freeze the water the day before and then invert the glass before going to bed.
15 hours ago .




   MeiDei  “A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”



“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
Tuesday at 12:22 EST .

   8 people like this.



   NotaBene  So funny! Thank you MeiDei for posting this.
Wednesday at 01:37 EST .

 1 person like this.





   Bettijo  Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
July 28 at 16:40 EST .

   7 people like this.



   Wrightwinger  Oh, well that explains it!
July 28 at 19:21 EST .

  5 people like this.



   NotaBene  Loved it. Poor man, what a fright.
Wednesday at 01:39 EST .

  2 people like this.





   MeiDei  The Blind Date - you don't need the words - the ending is a surprise.
http://youtu.be/_CwHrJt8Oz8
July 26 at 23:00 EST .

   11 people like this.




   Ynaught  .
   July 25 at 14:36 EST .

   11 people like this.



   Gerty  Memorial services are being held on....
for our beloved friend and fellow deep-sea diver....
who lost his life in his brave attempt to
"jump the shark".

(It's not a "better fish pun", but I DID think about it! )
July 26 at 09:01 EST .

  12 people like this.





   Safetydude  Anybody out there got a doghouse I can bunk in for a while?

What happned was last nite', while we were having an intimate experience, Miss Tina whispered something about us making a sex video.

"Great" I said. "When do you want to hold the auditions for your part"?

I think my eye will heal ok.
July 24 at 21:27 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Wrightwinger  .
   July 24 at 09:45 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Magdalene  I used to say I had them individually chromed. Very expensive.
July 24 at 19:33 EST .

  10 people like this.



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