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Jokes



   FlatCityGirl  Dear Abby:

I’ve been married to my husband since college, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he has not even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

For crying out loud, grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, think about it. You’re running for President of the United states. You don’t Need him anymore.
April 7 at 12:26 EST .

   2 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  Some time ago, a young Orangeman wooed and married a Papist maiden. After the marriage, the young Orangemen also converted to Catholicism and became a Papist himself.

After some months, he still couldn't reconcile the fact that he was now a Catholic and no longer a Protestant, so he went to his parish priest for guidance. The priest told him to keep repeating to himself "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." He also added, "You keep saying that to yourself, and soon enough you'll get it through that thick Orange skull of yours that you're a Catholic, and not a Protestant."

So off he went, muttering under his breath "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant." over and over.

Some weeks later, the priest was making his rounds of the parish and decided to stop in and visit the newlyweds. He knocked on the door, and the young bride opened it and invited Father in. As soon as he entered he got a whiff of something that one just doesn't smell in a good Catholic house on a Friday. He asked "Mary, where is Sam?" to which she replied, "Why, Father, he's in the kitchen."

Father went into the kitchen, where he found Sam ladeling gravy over a great, huge steak, muttering "You're a trout, not a steak. You're a trout, not a steak. You're a trout, not a steak."
April 6 at 15:32 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Calvinesq  So, these two cannibals are eating a clown.

The one cannibal turns to the other and says: "Does he taste funny to you?"
April 1 at 12:21 EST .

   5 people like this.




   MeiDei  I love Maxine cartoons, here's a few - which is your favorite?
https://maxinecollection.wordpress.com/
March 11 at 10:33 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Alice  Wow, it seems like thousands! Today I got the bad news re 2015 taxes, so I like:
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words ‘The ‘ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ''THEIRS.''
March 13 at 16:41 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Alice  I wish this had shown up on Facebook before the big blizzard :- )
   February 1 at 12:52 EST .

   10 people like this.




   Allsogreat  Just had to do it???/
   January 16 at 17:20 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Fireball27  Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.’' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.’' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school…'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
   December 29 at 23:15 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Namma  According to the Alaska Department o Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore...according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known...ONLY women would be able to drag a fat=azz man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
   December 3 at 18:43 EST .

   14 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  GOLDEN OLDIES FROM JAY:
"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."
On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."
On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."
On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."
Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"
On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."
"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."
"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."
"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his TelePrompTer took the fifth."
"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"
On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."
On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi."
On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."
Now the last and I think best.....
"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. It's gotten so bad that people in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American."
   November 6 at 00:07 EST .

   15 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,
because your character is what you really are,
while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
--- John Wooden

Today's preparation is tomorrow's performance -- Bobby Clampett

I agree with the late Adrian Rogers who said,
"It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error.
It is better to stand alone with the truth, than to be wrong with a multitude."

"There can be no divided allegiance here.
Any man who says that he is an American, but something else also, is not an American at all."
---Theodore Roosevelt

Life is Short . . . Pray Hard.
   November 5 at 23:55 EST .

   14 people like this.


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