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Jokes



   Ynaught  A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn't believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine"!!

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wednesday at 16:57 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Calvinesq  So, we were told we were getting the Biggest Storm in History. But, a funny thing happened ....
January 27 at 11:22 EST .

   2 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  I have always wondered if Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black, downtown Atlanta church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I went to the church, sat down and after a minute Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed. He laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the service, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my danged car had been stolen!
January 24 at 19:13 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Escaped commieny  Best Joke on the boards is Harry, Dinghy, Harry claiming an exercise band sent him flying into cabinets that broke his bones. ROTFLMAO.
I had a Humana group for Silver Sneakers, OK, so we used less resistant bands, but I know plenty of guys that used the Gold Gym Power Training Extreme, Heavy Duty resistance band in between weight lifting for cross training. If it breaks from long use, it tears, it doesn't just let go and send you flying. What a moron, hope it was those guys that wanted him to eliminate Bundy, pay back is a zitch.
January 20 at 16:33 EST .

   7 people like this.



   Alice  Yes! Seems like a couple of times now DHarry has been 'lessoned' and claimed it was exercise equipment... The organizations that founded Las Vegas may be out of sight these days, but would not actually abandon such a lucrative city or state.
January 23 at 12:00 EST .

  8 people like this.



   Bettijo  Could it be Harry is too weak (in strength as well as character ) to use a "professional" resistant band and was using a super-size rubber band? I think rubber bands do "snap." Just asking...

Or, possibly, 6 years of protecting and defending Obama could have driven him to drink resulting in a fall like Hillary. Who knows?
Yesterday at 10:47 EST .




   Safetydude  Ok, so this doctor and his wife went to a restaurant and after they were seated the waitress gave them their menu's. While she was waiting for their order's she was absently scratching her arms and face.
"Do you have eczema", asked the doctor?
"Nooo, just what's on the menu".
January 14 at 19:32 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Ynaught  "You wouldn't stop me if I was a polar bear!"
   January 9 at 14:06 EST .

   18 people like this.



   Escaped commieny  oh yikes, the NSA has your number
January 9 at 14:07 EST .

  12 people like this.





   Bettijo  A young Arab asks his father, “What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?”
“It’s a ‘chechia’ because, in the desert, it protects our heads from the sun.”
“And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?”
“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because, in the desert, it is very hot and it protects your body”
“And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?”
“These are ‘babouches’, which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert”
“Tell me, Papa…”
“Yes, my son ?”
“Why are we living in Melbourne and still wearing all this crap?”
January 9 at 08:58 EST .

   19 people like this.



   Escaped commieny  Hope it is not Melbourne, Fl, our quota is filled.
January 9 at 14:08 EST .

  15 people like this.





   Escaped commieny  For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be derned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no bike.
January 9 at 08:45 EST .

   15 people like this.



   Balogreene  On another note, when my nephew was just about 10, he wanted one of those video device things. His parents couldn't afford it, and told him so. My sister said he prayed and prayed, and finally, even wrote a letter to Santa, saying one of them would come through. His aunts and grandparents got together, and got him the device, from Santa, of course. When he opened it, he purportedly said "Oh, he does exist!"
January 9 at 19:54 EST .

  12 people like this.





   Escaped commieny  Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan ,
where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers
on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them,
at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room
and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough
to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door,
never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here
and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened
and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
January 9 at 08:44 EST .

   15 people like this.




   MeiDei  Nice moral to this
   January 5 at 17:13 EST .

   15 people like this.



   MeiDei  You'll have to click o the picture to be able to read.
January 5 at 17:19 EST .

  10 people like this.



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