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Jokes



   MeiDei  Here's one for you Safety:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
January 12 at 15:59 EST .

   1 person like this.



   Safetydude  I'm stealing that !!!
January 12 at 20:58 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok,

So this housework-challenged blond dude decides he wants to wash his favorite sweatshirt.
He finds his way into the laundry room and stops in front of the washingmachine.
He's totally confused with all the settings on the machine so he calls to his wife;
"Honey" he calls, "what setting should I use for my sweatshirt?"
"What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
"Minnesota Vikings".

Happy New Year
(I've made a new year's 'revolution', I'm going to work on my PC'ness ).
January 3 at 20:10 EST .

   4 people like this.



   MeiDei  I hope that means you are abandoning any pc-itis you still may have.
January 12 at 18:56 EST .

 1 person like this.



   Safetydude  Yep', I was accused of being PC, once. Once.
January 16 at 10:55 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok,

So this elderly couple are on a world tour and are in St.Petersburg, Russia.
Their assigned 'Inturist' guide is driving them around the city when it starts to sleet.
“Oh look” cries the lady, “it's snowing”.
“Nyet” answers the guide, “tat be rain”.
“No” she responds, “in Iowa, where we're from, that's called snow".
This time the guide is very emphatic “tat is RAIN !”
The husband gets a little nervous and tells his wife to cool it; they're in Russia, after all, and (drum roll )

“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”.
November 26 at 16:27 EST .

   10 people like this.




   MeiDei  Thanksgiving Joke
   November 22 at 14:01 EST .

   13 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, So this AF pilot had a serious in-flight mishap and had to bail out of his jet.
He hit the ground badly and much later woke up in a hospital bed. As he was coming around a pretty, young nurse came to his bedside and, in a soft voice, said "you may not feel anything below the waist".
After a while, in hoarse voice, he whispered back, "can I just feel your ti*s"?

Go Air Force!
   November 18 at 21:01 EST .

   12 people like this.




   MeiDei  A founding father vindicates GHWB ... or so he wishes.
   November 5 at 20:59 EST .

   9 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so these three women walk into a bar and sit down.
"What will it be, ladies"?
The first one, a red-head, says "I'll have a CB",
"Ok", says the bartender, "one cold beer coming up".
"And you"? he asks the second lady, a brunette.
"An RW".
"Ok, a glass of red wine, for you".
Then he turns to the third woman, a blonde, "And for you"?
She thinks for a moment and answers "I'll have a fifteen".
The bartender shakes his head, "a fifteen, what is that"?
"Seven and Seven".
   October 30 at 21:10 EST .

   16 people like this.




   MeiDei  



We need something to get our minds off the horrors of the times - a little laughter helps, enjoy.
   October 2 at 23:32 EST .

   13 people like this.




   MeiDei  A little sign humor
   September 16 at 14:46 EST .

   15 people like this.




   Calvinesq  The Proctologist

A proctologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance, Obamacare and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the proctologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
   August 9 at 12:30 EST .

   18 people like this.



   Escaped commieny  An out-loud belly laugh. !!
August 12 at 20:27 EST .

  10 people like this.



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