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Jokes



   Ole buzzard  On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
August 31 at 13:25 EST .

   1 person like this.



   NotaBene  Loved it Old Buzzard. The end was completely unexpected.

Regards to your wife, I miss her postings.
September 1 at 02:18 EST .




   Bettijo  This Would Be Hilarious if it Wasn't so True.

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."

For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary. For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible.
August 29 at 07:52 EST .

   3 people like this.




   RedWhiteBlue  A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been
sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You don't have enough ammo!"
August 19 at 21:59 EST .

   5 people like this.



   Safetydude  It's not a clip, it's a 'magazine'.
August 26 at 19:42 EST .




   Ole buzzard  .
   August 18 at 21:16 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so these six geezers, sorry, these six seasoned citizens... ok, ok, these six retirees are playing large stakes poker in the condo clubhouse when Harry looses 500 dollars on a single hand. He throws in his cards and he gasps, chokes, grabs his chest and keels over, dead.

Being very respectful of the dead the rest finish playing the game standing up.

Finally, one of the guys asks "So, who's gonna' tell Harry's wife"?
They cut cards and Wilma cuts a deuce and has to pass on the bad news.

They tell her to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation worse.
"Discreet", she says, "I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me".

And Wilma goes over to Harry's condo and rings the bell.
The wife answers and asks her what she wants?

So, Wilma tells her "Harry just lost 500 dollars in our poker game and he's afraid to come home".
"Tell him to drop dead"! shouts the wife.

"Ok", answers Wilma, "I'll go tell him".

That's discretion.
   August 16 at 21:39 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Wattkid  Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

And remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."

It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken poop.
   August 15 at 18:42 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

   August 15 at 12:48 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Videodrone  INGREDIENTS

1 wabbit

1 large pot w/lid

1 onion

1 head garlic

duck tape

water

a hammer

1 bunch carrots

First, get a wabbit. You seem to have this covered. Then get a bunch of carrots, well.............. maybe you should get the carrots first, 'cause it might make it easier to catch the wabbit. Then get an onion and a roll of duck tape, a head of garlic and a hammer with a wide head. If you only have a ball-peen, use it sideways. Get a large pot and put it on the stove. Don't turn the fire on, you're not ready for that yet. Take the duck tape and wrap it 359 degrees around the equator of the onion, and leave a courtesy tab to grab it with. Use more tape and do the same thing to the whole head of garlic. If you wrap the tape 360 degrees or more around either the onion or the garlic, you might as well throw 'em out and start over from the beginning*.

Take one carrot and give it to the wabbit, and offer to take the wabbit to a movie after dinner. Don't look hungry when you do this, as they are very sensitive to ulterior motives. Under no circumstances should you offer cash to the wabbit. Fill the pot with water and light the fire, then offer dessert to the wabbit. While it chooses between the cheesecake and the chocolate moose, sneak up on it with the tape and wrap the wabbit securely, in a spiral pattern, making sure to stick tape to all the furry parts, without sticking the tape to the tape*. ( *we know what a nightmare THAT can be! ) Be sure and save enough tape to cover the mouths of the screaming wife and children protesting, and/or cheering your questionable treatment of their pet.

Offer the wabbit a soothing hot bath to relax from the trauma of being taped, and line up the ingredients on a cutting board, left to right, in this SPECIFIC order. First, the onion, wrapped in tape, sticky-tab facing down. Then, the garlic, wrapped in tape, sticky-tab facing down. Then the wabbit, tab facing up. Hold it if it wiggles. Not the head. (If you are left-handed, hold it with your right hand. ) Now get ready, because the next part happens really quick. It's pretty exciting, so you might want the family to watch, but no closer than the kitchen door is the advisable safe distance.

Take a deep breath............. Relax...................... Visualize fine dining.

Unless you're really good at taping wabbits, the water should be boiling by now.

Pick up the hammer, and prepare to hit three blows of increasing strength, a tap, a smack, and a full wallop. Concentrate on the three taped ingredients lined up on the board and take aim.

Grip the hammer tightly. Ready, set, GO!

Three hits with the hammer, once on each, left to right, bing, Bam, BOOM!

Then take the lid off the pot and hit it with the hammer like a gong or cymbal, for effect. Your
   August 3 at 18:56 EST .

   1 person like this.



   Videodrone  Your rapt family gasps, or perhaps cheers. Throw the hammer in the trash. Pick the onion up by the tab and snap it into the pot with a sharp flick of the wrist. This should peel it nicely. Then pick up the garlic by the tab and

do the same. You will be amazed at the efficiency of the tape in cleaning the garlic, but remember, good aim is essential for proper seasoning. Pick up the wabbit and hold the tab with both hands, thumbs facing up.

Take a step back and hold it above your head. With a brisk motion like throwing a soccer ball onto the field, snap the wabbit into the pot. This move should remove all fur from the wabbit and cause a pretty good splash. We will save the flambeau method for the advanced class. Pick up the nearly forgotten bunch of carrots, and walk to the kitchen door. Toss them over your shoulder and into the pot. Ask someone to put the lid on the pot. After grabbing a fresh brew proceed to the living room, turn on a Sportschannel and relax.

Simmer for 24 hours and tell the family you threw it out and you're having beef stew tomorrow.

The kids will love it.
August 3 at 18:59 EST .

  2 people like this.



   Safetydude  ????????????????
August 11 at 23:09 EST .

 1 person like this.





   RoseOfTexas  Seen on Facebook:

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "[Bleep] off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
August 1 at 22:04 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  .
   July 20 at 17:42 EST .

   6 people like this.


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