A proctologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance, Obamacare and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the proctologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Mike PHX Two pieces of string are walking down the street and come across a bar: "No Strings Allowed!" Of course the strings are offended, but they go in anyway. The bartender says, "Hey! No strings! Get outta here!" Outside, the strings are dejected, but one says, "Hold on" He ties a big knot out of his top, then starts fraying the loose ends. When he's done he walks back in the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! No string allowed! Youre string, aren't you?" The string replies, "I'm afraid not."
June 23 at 00:29 EST .
9 people like this.
Safetydude Ok, So this guy walks out of a bar and as he's heading down the sidewalk he sees a guy on his hands an knees, like he's looking for something. He see's it's one of the guys he's been drinking with, so he stops to see if he can help. "What are you looking for"? he asks. "My car keys" answers the guy on the ground. "Where about's do you think you dropped them?" "Somewhere over there" the other guy answers. "Then why the heck are you looking here for them here?" "The light's better".
September 28 at 22:41 EST .
5 people like this.
GO3 A duck walks into Walgreen's and waddles all the way back to the pharmacist. The druggist looks down at him and says, "May I help you?" "I'd like some chap stick, please." The druggist puts the chap stick on the counter and asks, "Will that be cash?" "No, just put it on my bill."
June 21 at 00:47 EST .
6 people like this.
Mike PHX Hey everyone, don't worry! I'm scouring my old "Highlights" magazines to top these "whizzers!"
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home and within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant and while having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you and I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
April 27 at 12:55 EST .
11 people like this.
Mike PHX Wow. That is the most unfunny, unwitty, unworthy of repeating, "joke" I've ever heard. Was that the joke?
WAN2 A Baptist minister and a Unitarian minister were flying to a multifaith convention together. The Unitarian was very nervous and confided to the Baptist that this was the first time he had ever flown and was very scared. The Baptist said that there was nothing to it — "Just sit next to me and I will help you." The Baptist showed him how to put on his seat belt and adjust the air vents. Once in the air, a very pretty flight attendant came by with a tray of drinks. "Cocktails?" she asked. The Unitarian lifted one off the tray and said, "Thank you." The Baptist had just delivered a fiery sermon on the evils of alcohol that morning. He looked at the flight attendant and said, "Young lady, I would rather commit fornication than touch alcohol to my lips." Shocked, the Unitarian placed his drink back on the tray and said, "I believe I would too, I didn't know we had that choice."
April 22 at 09:12 EST .
5 people like this.
RedWhiteBlue My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza …
How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...
Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...
Senility has been a smooth transition for me ...
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...
I love being over 50 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others ...
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him ...
My dentist told me I need a crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks” …
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
April 18 at 20:01 EST .
10 people like this.
NotaBene Thank you for these jokes. I had a big laugh.
April 19 at 18:59 EST .
12 people like this.
DanvilleBill This is my FIRST EVER visit to The Connection After reading your material, Red/White/Blue, I will be back to steal your stuff and use it for my own. Thanks!
August 7 at 20:05 EST .
10 people like this.
MeiDei A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes" Gotta love the Irish................ HAPPY ST. PADDY DAY!