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Jokes



   Ynaught  Religious Squirrels

A small town had three churches Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Yesterday at 10:18 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Ynaught  A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the heck out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says,

"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
Wednesday at 15:40 EST .

   8 people like this.




   Ole buzzard  Daughter Accidentally Finds Her Mother Having An Affair. This Is Priceless.
   October 21 at 18:54 EST .

   18 people like this.




   Ynaught  I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

1. I scouted the area all summer.

2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.

3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.

4. I trailed the herd.

5. I picked out a trophy buck.

6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.

7. Everything was in place.

8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.

9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.

10. This was destined to be an epic hunt.

As I approached my deer stand, I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church. The Sunday sermon was entitled "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways".

   October 19 at 20:05 EST .

   8 people like this.



   Gerty  I feel his pain!
October 20 at 19:39 EST .

  3 people like this.





   Ynaught  A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
October 17 at 19:00 EST .

   4 people like this.




   Ynaught  KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT
As we slowly move through our retirement years, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.

I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

   October 17 at 14:30 EST .

   3 people like this.



   MeiDei  A DIY Vasectomy?
Clearing out the gene pool.
October 17 at 15:12 EST .

  2 people like this.





   Ynaught  Priest and Rabbi:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
October 17 at 09:00 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught  Joke Contest Winner:
An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks,
he is looking for work."
The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a
brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a
man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in a competition
held in Britain.
October 16 at 14:08 EST .

   5 people like this.




   Ynaught  Preacher and His Lawyer and IRS Agent:

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members ), to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."
October 16 at 07:14 EST .

   3 people like this.




   Bettijo  Finally a clear explanation of unemployment ...

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of W ork" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would g o down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely!

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.
October 14 at 17:20 EST .

   4 people like this.



   Gerty  Ahhhhh...yes!
October 14 at 21:40 EST .

  4 people like this.



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