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Jokes



   Wrightwinger  I recall a story about a cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim who were riding on a train. The cowboy was seated in a corner with his hat pulled over his eyes sort of dozing. The Indian was sitting in another corner and begins to remember the past. "When I was young, the old men of the tribe told of the time before the White man came, and the Indian hunted where he wished, my people were a many as the blades of grass, and the land was ours."
The Muslim heard this and said "The Nation of Islam is going to rule the world. We are spreading all across the world, and one day soon, all will be the servants of the Muslim."
The cowboy looked up, spat, and said "That's because we haven't played Cowboys and Muslums, yet."
4 hours ago .

   2 people like this.



   Wrightwinger  Let's see how long this lasts...
4 hours ago .


   Ynaught  That reminded me of this old one:

The Iranian Ambassador to the United Nations had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, ''You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.''

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered: ''My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians, or Iraqis on "Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered: ''It's because it takes place in the future.''
3 hours ago .

 1 person like this.





   Ynaught  There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p155 out of it," the man replied.
6 hours ago .

   2 people like this.




   MeiDei  Today's truism:
   Saturday at 14:28 EST .

   10 people like this.



   NotaBene  MeiDei, I do too! Can not fit in all other things. You made me laugh.
Sunday at 10:50 EST .

  8 people like this.



   NotaBene  MeiDei, I do too! Can not fit in all other things. You made me laugh.
Sunday at 10:50 EST .

  9 people like this.





   Safetydude  Ok, so this guy walks into a bar, sits down and as the bartender comes up the guy sees Vincent Van Gogh at the juke box.
"Hey Vincent" he calls out "Do you want a drink'?
"Oh, no thanks. I got one 'ere".

Ok, so this 'Chia Pet' walks into a bar and sits down.
"What can I get you"? asks the bartender.
"Anything but water".

Ok, so this guy walks into a bar and slips on a puddle of vomit.
Right behind him this big guy walks in and also slips on the vomit.
"I just did that" says the first guy.
So the big guy beat him up.

Ok, so this drunk walks into a bar and the bartender comes up and asks me "What can I get you"?

Ok, so this guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders. While he's waiting for his drink he hears a small voice; "You look nice today".
A few minutes later he hears the same voice; "That's a really nice shirt you're wearing".
So after looking around he asks the bartender about the strange voice.
"Oh, that" says the bartender, "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary".

Nite' y'all.
Drive carefully and we'll see you tomorrow.

Ok, one more, one of my favorites.
So, this magician is walking down the street and suddenly he turns into a bar.
September 27 at 01:45 EST .

   7 people like this.




   Ynaught  See below
   September 26 at 19:32 EST .

   4 people like this.



   Phooey  Ynaught ! You are a gem ! Still praying for hubs.
September 26 at 20:33 EST .

  7 people like this.



   Ynaught  Back at ya, Phoo! And thanks! Every day he gets a little better!
September 26 at 20:53 EST .

  7 people like this.



   NotaBene  Happy to hear that hobby is doing better.

Loved the joke of the cat.
September 27 at 11:42 EST .

  8 people like this.





   Ynaught  Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

   September 26 at 19:31 EST .

   6 people like this.




   WAN2  Investment Opportunity

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A world famous engineer just started a business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.
?
He says prophets are going through the roof!
   September 26 at 10:48 EST .

   7 people like this.




   MeiDei  Facts of life:
   September 24 at 12:28 EST .

   12 people like this.




   Safetydude  Ok, so this Roman walks into a bar.
"What'll you have"? asks the bartender.
The Roman holds up two fingers; "I'll have five beers, please".

Ok, so this cable guy(not that one )walks into a bar and sits down.
"What'll you have, Buddy"? asks the bartender.
"Gimme' a Bud', please".
"Ok, it'll be here sometime between four and seven".

Ok, so this attractive, young woman walks into a bar.
"What can I get for you"? asks the bartender.
"I'll have five dirty martinis".
"Why five"? asks the bartender.
"It's girls night out and I want to tell my husband I bought the first round".

Ok, so this guy with an alligator on a leash walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers in here"?
"Yes, we do" answers the bartender.
"Great, I'll have a beer and a lawyer for my alligator".

G'night all.
   September 23 at 21:30 EST .

   16 people like this.



   Gerty  You are a treasure, Mr.Dude!
September 24 at 19:43 EST .

  12 people like this.





   Ynaught  I don't know and don't care if this is real - it is funny and brings back memories!

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the
September 23 at 11:38 EST .

   12 people like this.



   Ynaught  Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
September 23 at 11:38 EST .

  2 people like this.



   MeiDei  Too funny. It reminds me of a printed sweat shirt I saw a few years ago that was worn by a big momma, it said:
"I'm in menopause and I have a gun"
September 23 at 13:26 EST .

  5 people like this.



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