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TheConnection Walls
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Jokes
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Sternben A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing..
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack
enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.”
He said “but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never
try to outsmart a woman!!!
June 15 at 16:11 EST .
2 people like this.
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Ynaught A Banking Tale
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning. Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry, sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."
Cashier:
"Look, sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
June 15 at 09:05 EST .
2 people like this.
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Bob913 A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F....
 June 15 at 01:40 EST .
1 person like this.
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Olhokie64 VERY INTERESTING FACT!
I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
June 13 at 23:45 EST .
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Ynaught I want everyone to take note that I didn't post this one! :- )
June 14 at 08:43 EST .
 2 people like this.
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Olhokie64 I also want everyone to take note that as soon as i saw this, I immediately thought of Ynaught. Groaners are some of the best jokes. The only bad joke is the one in the White House.
June 14 at 19:17 EST .
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Ynaught The Incredible Jungle Bungle
In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.
The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments. Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover. And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the idol had better be torn down.
The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Friar Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight. He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders. All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing.
"But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done. If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation we're dead."
His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said, "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away."
"Why?"
"You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."
June 12 at 16:17 EST .
1 person like this.
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Wrightwinger Rimshot! Pa dump chaaaa!
June 12 at 18:11 EST .
1 person like this.
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Mike PHX Y - do you write these painful shaggy dogs or are they imported from China?
June 13 at 01:29 EST .
1 person like this.
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Gerty Come on, Mr.Mike!! You know, who ever you are, these are funny and a much needed break from our scary political upheavals.
June 13 at 08:55 EST .
1 person like this.
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Ynaught A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
June 10 at 22:26 EST .
2 people like this.
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Gerty Leave it up to the IRS to get the "last nickle" out of you--no matter what it takes!
June 13 at 08:57 EST .
1 person like this.
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Eagles Dominion Leno: ‘We Wanted a President That Listens to All Americans - Now We Have One’
June 9 at 18:37 EST .
1 person like this.
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Ynaught Why English is important:
It is small things like this that make a good grasp of the English language so important!
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, ‘Darling does your prick still throb?’ And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!"
June 8 at 12:06 EST .
3 people like this.
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Safetydude That passed?
Congratulations.
June 9 at 19:09 EST .
1 person like this.
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Ynaught shhhh
June 10 at 22:26 EST .
1 person like this.
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