Jokes

Eagles Dominion  ****    14 hours ago .    Wrightwinger  Or you will be petrified??? 3 hours ago .

Olhokie64  Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir." Yesterday at 00:34 EST .

Olhokie64  A Mexican, an Arab and a Canadian Gal are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico ,our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim! ), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Canadian Gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada, we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' God Bless Canada !! Yesterday at 23:15 EST .    1 person like this.

Ynaught  A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish!?!?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck. MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. Tuesday at 22:16 EST .

Ynaught  Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .' The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a-$-holes.' 'What! He had two a-$-holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two a-$-holes.' Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants. Tuesday at 09:21 EST .    3 people like this.

Olhokie64  Thibodeaux and Boudreaux entered a chocolate store. As they were looking at the candy, Thibodeaux stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store Thibodeaux said to Boudreaux, "I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my pocket. You cant beat that. Boudreaux replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." I'll steal while the shopkeeper is watching me and he won't even know. So they went to the counter and Boudreaux said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see a great magic trick?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes" Boudreaux said: "Give me three chocolate bars. " The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Boudreaux ate all three. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?" Boudreaux replied: "Look in Thibodeaux's pocket." May 17 at 20:45 EST .    2 people like this.

Ynaught  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. May 16 at 09:57 EST .    3 people like this.    Wrightwinger  Nice! May 17 at 17:59 EST .

Rake King  You may copy and past this sign for those who need it    May 15 at 07:24 EST .    3 people like this.    Eagles Dominion  No Thanks, I'm retired and I like it that way! :- ) May 17 at 20:33 EST .    Ole buzzard  Me, too! Tuesday at 16:54 EST .

Rake King  A Funny sign of the day.    May 14 at 21:09 EST .    2 people like this.

Ynaught  A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."    May 14 at 14:04 EST .    8 people like this.

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